“What happened? Why am I on the floor?”
I’ve been in the ‘dark’ for a moment trying to identify the draw to jjabrams. There are lots of things it could have been, and I allowed myself to try to fit a few things it is not into the equation.
It took waking up on the floor of a hotel room to figure it all out.
First off I’ve taken about 900 showers since Saturday morning. I can’t get the image of waking up naked on a hotel room floor out of my head. It’s bad enough I was barefoot on that hotel floor but my lovely brown ass was also on that floor. Those of you who know me understand that my OCD might not ever recover from that happening.
The complexity of how my attraction works is too much to explain to those who are not medically trained. I spend lots of words and time trying to get it to make sense to you constant reader and I know that I often fail.
I know that I fail because even when you aren’t jjabrams and you sit here and read this and you still try to holla at me you still fail epically unless you happen to be something that I want to do at that moment.
The last meaningful conversation I had with jjabrams leading up to this weekend ended with ‘protect yourself’. To this very moment I still don’t know what HE meant when he said that but I can share what I did with those words.
I accepted the challenge and my goal shifted from I like you to this is why you are extend your invitation again, this is why I am going to accept and this is why you will wish you could take it back. I know it sounds vindictive and insidious but it was really me settling in to make this thing a reality. We were gonna reevaluate after Weekend Reunion but my spring and summer were reserved to my vizion. If after weekend reunion we needed to change things I would know that I unleashed someone who was ready back out into the ecosystem to do no harm.
I’ve had too many “conversations” in the past 2 months to believe you understand. You say that you do, yet your silence proves you don’t. Your inaction proves you do not. Even while handcuffed and naked before you, control was never a factor. It was obvious that I was gonna have to show you to allow you to understand what this is, assuming you were willing.
I may not yet know if you are willing but I do know that waking up on the floor didn’t make that possible. It actually makes things more difficult.
I needed you to see what energy exchange was. I needed you to see what beyond level 2 was. I need you to watch and envy and ask how do I do that. Instead I woke up on the floor.
The grizzly and I don’t have a lengthy history but I do understand our energy enough to know that what we can create is the stuff of legends. It’s the kind of story I would rather people talk about instead of did you hear about that time Aphrodite threw the paddle across the room?
It started off well. It ended with me on the floor.
One of my weaknesses is that for a proper scene, one that will give to me what I want, I have to have very loose parameters, I have to not have outlines and bullet points. This usually means I have to have a trusted partner and it usually means that my negotiations are limited. I understand the risk which I put it my person when I do that. I understand the risk I put onto my partner when I do that. At times we have to dissect what went wrong then, but 90% of the time we are celebrating what went right.
Friday was a what went wrong kind of night and I sit here typing horny and frustrated as a result. I also type without having the chance to talk to the grizzly and be sure he is processing things properly and not beating himself over some shit which in the big picture won’t matter because we are on the path to legend.
My limited time with the grizzly let me know that my initial instincts were right and that we will make good partners if we can get past me waking up on the floor. My limited time with the grizzly didn’t allow you to see what you needed to see. With the 18th racing up to me I don’t know if I will get the chance to correct any of what went wrong but I am 80% sure I will wake up on the 19th so I am going to keep progressing as if the world is not ending.
Sidelined by 6 seconds of unconsciousness I got to make some observation.
I saw that you, jjabrams, are who I thought you were to begin with. I saw that the potential I thought you to have still exists. I saw exactly what it is that you need in your development and I saw the role I can play within. I saw that yes I still need you, but WHY I need you was exposed.
I saw 3 women trusting you to do right by them. I saw a group of people who don’t share my intensity and passion for what can be, yet I also saw that within that space I don’t have to write them off because of it.
Beyond my lights out moment I saw unsafe procedures, which this time did no harm but I wonder if the next time will be the same.
I saw lots of us in a room at different steps on the path, some who will continue some who will be fine with remaining static. I saw myself and had to ask myself a few questions.
I saw that you are not going to keep your word jjabrams and I haven’t yet decided if that is because you aren’t ready to handle me, if you don’t realize you broke your word because of inexperience or influence, if you are just happy with the intoxication without being willing to experience things sober.
Conversations will happen, and other decisions will happen.
In this moment though I understand that I have to lay this all out for you, and I also understand this can’t just be a text exchange. At the end of the conversation we may not be intimate any longer and that needs to be decided in each other’s space.