what the fuck does that even mean?
I am likely to swear off Capricorns soon. You motherfuckers are a lot of damn work. Unless of course you are a particular Capricorn, I am not yet convinced that there is a no in my lexicon when it comes to you. The rest of y’all though?
I was told to stop thinking today. It’s a reminder that jjabrams doesn’t know me well yet. At this pace, he may not know me at all.
I’m reminded of lots of things tonight. So much for not thinking. I’ve had to do some soul searching this week on a lot of stuff and true to form when rubber hit the road today I ran into some poor habits. The bell cannot be unsung though so we just gonna have to power through this and hope what I told tempest the other day was the truth, sometimes shit works out.
One of the things I’ve had to consider is my craving a implement distraction? With the past week in the rear view it’s very simple to think I am focusing my energy on something, someone, kind of within my control. About 90 percent of what comes next is in the hands of others. They will either grant my appeal or not. If not then I do something else, if yes I have 30 days or so to hunker down and fix shit. So it’s natural being me to divert attention to something like this. Even though I am at the mercy of another in this moment this is more about my control. Of course the virtual – be quiet tonight reminds me I am not.
Which takes me to something else that I needed to consider……is it just the things he can do. Working penis check. Implements of ass destruction check. It’s been a minute since I’ve had both in the same place with the same person so the novelty and shine could just be finally white baby Jesus. I’m too anti social to have to keep rotating mothefuckers trying to get my fix on.
So is it just the compulsion to obey or is it the person?
The conclusion I’ve reached is that it is the person. No matter how imperfect the person of the moment it is still the person. I’m gonna blame X for reminding me how that feeling can be. I’m also gonna blame this one jjabrams for having the basics.
I’m also gonna blame him for being what and who he was the other night.
So I also asked myself is this just over gratitude. No it is not.
I don’t know what it is really, but I know that in this moment it’s what I want, crave and outright need.
Service top, friend fellow nerd is not gonna cut it. I’ve known that for a moment but my hubris told me it would. Because after all I am still me
when you tell someone that you are feeling vulnerable and exposed the last thing you expect to hear is protect yourself.
That should be an internal dialogue not coming from the other person.
How precisely should I go about making peace with my need without understand how that need is received? Reciprocated? Me
There are things I’ve done to keep myself alive. One of those things is focusing on the very next thing. I mean literally keeping myself alive here. Just like everything else you are learning to enjoy that is a learned behavior. Yes I can learn other things but telling me to find balance like I was born from the midichlorians is not one of those learned behaviors.
Yes I can resist sending another text message. Sometimes. But that is more about my old ass not understanding how conversations like this, important shit, is done these days via text message. Damn kids.
I can go for hours being quiet.
Still thinking though
still struggling not to push
still trying to locate my surrender and tell that bitch to get some act right or get the fuck out of dodge.
I did what I said I would not I exposed myself to no
if I was concerned about the shift before, and I was al little….the shift has moved further in that direction
Like muscle memory if you will. Remembering that once upon a time I met another Capricorn about his age with that same personality default: their flat our refusal to answer a damn question when they don’t want to.
Over the course of 20 years I still never got the answer to that first question in that over priced diner.
Tonight before I go to stare at the ceiling and try to not vomit a lot of words into the iPhone I still don’t have an answer.
I am reminding myself by writing this that it might not be too late.