Navigating this strange world where I am single often has me doing self reflection. I sit at times and try to understand my motivations, my desires, and I am paranoid about making better choices.

Someone asked me last nights are relationships that scary. My answer was yes.

At my core I am still a romantic.  My romance manifests a little differently than some are used to seeing but it remains. In a sense I still want that life with a specific person, I just also understand better now that for me in the absence of a compulsion like before it could be multiple specific people.

As I ease my way back into kink land I realize I have to have a plan for intercourse.

Sure I can continue to cultivate my prospects out here and have any number of speed dial penis available, but that’s gonna mean a lot MORE of non kink dick. I’m not worried about body count I am worried about the time and energy that comes with having to maintain those connections.

Men I love you but you at times are fragile.  It was different when we were younger, I could have stand by dick, and you know you were stand by dick and as long as the stars aligned you were good with that. At our age though, you aren’t as willing to just be in the rotation. Now just perhaps it is the men I am meeting, but I don’t think that is only the case.

I know it is not because I also run into these issues with the younger men I am meeting. There are many more let’s lock this thing down men out here than lets just keep it breezy men.  But yeah, it could just be me. I am the common denominator here.

I look at my peers who were single and are now not single and I wonder if I can do that again. I do know that the eventual answer is yes, but my current brain thinks the idea is terrifying. When she asked me last nights if relationships were that scary I had to remind her the last time I let my guard down  and let someone close and allowed myself the luxury of love I lost my home and family.

Big Joker Drop On Table.

I also lost B then, even if we didn’t know it. Yes a whole lot of life happened along the way which made being apart simpler, but if I am being transparent and yes I should be transparent, it’s hard to look at and listen to him without remembering that I would have never gotten to her without him.

She was the same chick who asked me if I was willing to take time out of Weekend Reunion and do a full head weave. Nothing but friendship was gonna come from that.  My attraction would have been present but attraction is always present somewhere for someone. What happened onstage was something else. The termination of something else was almost the termination of my life. It’s hard to think about going back out there into that pool when I still have to ride a bus for 2 hours to spend 2 hours with Clyde and experience that separation that never gets easier. Never.

Did I tell you that after that 2 hour bus ride I also have to walk uphill a mile? Did I tell you that with his current placement it’s now been over 8 months since Bonnie & Clyde were together again?

Yeah, it’s not so simple to take a ‘chance’ when you live with those reminders.

I know that I will eventually take a chance though.  X showed me that. So now that it’s proven that this portion of me is still gonna need to be fed, I have to figure out how to do it with the least pain and exposure possible.

I go back to the world of kink because at the end of the day I also understand there are things I need. I am not just gonna need penis, even though penis is usually lovely. I need the structure of D/s and the catharsis of S&M. I am gonna need regularly scheduled beatings in combination of regularly scheduled orgasms. Yes I am will to use intermittent variations of each as a stop gap, but at some point I am gonna need them both.  The way my people energy is set up, that’s gonna have to come from 1 person, 2 at the most.  I ain’t got the inclination to manage 5 or 6.

With this in mind I declared to myself I was gonna need a Top. It goes back to one of those things I’ve shared here, there’s nothing wrong with having a person to let off steam until you find the person who can be your teapot. In a rare moment of taking my own advice, it’s a good idea to not think with just your vagina, or in my case my unbeaten ass and vagina and take care of those physical needs while “waiting” for the ability to take care of the physical and emotional in the same place.

I am gloriously built to not catch feelings…….until I do. Yes I the great Aphrodite can catch feelings.  I know what to do when that happens and thankfully it almost never happens but I also know it’s possible.

So I am out here in kinkland, being kinky, and it occurs to me that if I am going to move forward I am going to need a Top.  My head says sadist, but my word is Top. Words still matter, even if I spent 20 minutes trying to avoid a conversation with Tempest where I said that they do not.

I need something more substantial than hey I happen to be out at this kinky event and I won’t get out again for another 2 months you there stranger with the cane hit me. I need something less than you’re mine. I need that middle ground where there is the expectation that we are going to meet and handle shit but we also both understand until we have a specific and lengthy conversation about changing things we ain’t together. For me that is gonna be multiple conversations though.

It explains some of my choices like Ice Cold. It explains some of my avoidances like Mr. Peanut. Yeah new code name, and he doesn’t even know that is his code name but until he does something different that is gonna be his name.

Reflection happens and my vizion is that I am on purpose selecting people who I have the least possibly of getting serious with or about.

I tell myself that this is not gonna last forever, then another self says hold my beer.

Walking around out here in kinkland, I find that the place I left doesn’t exactly look like the place I left. That’s not a wholly positive thing. My OBS ain’t feeling some of these new jack kinksters. She just ain’t. She’s annoyed more than amused with the situation. Yes she likes sex, but this display of nothing BUT sex is tiresome. She wants to be intrigued and inspired but she’s more likely to be disgusted.

Then I saw you.

Every time I tried to move in for the conversation something else happened, but I saw you. There wasn’t the opportunity, until there was and in that moment I took a chance. Now my beautiful brown ass is out here in the wind and I don’t like it. At. All.

I am struggling to stand in the moment but with every passing hour, because we are still thankfully at the point where I can refer to hours the default Aphrodite is waiting to say – nope and raise shields. Full impulse evasive maneuvers.

The beautiful and talented Tempest is gonna tell me not to do it.  She also said give X another chance to do better. In that case I was right but then I usually am.

The problem is I don’t know if I can trust my judgment at the moment. That’s the problem with being Aphrdite, well today at least.

Constant reader, this was NOT what this post was supposed to be about.  I’m gonna have to actually write that post next, but I guess I needed to get this out while I consider the options on the table.

Stick around, up next is dick sucking.

 

Aphrodite Brown