All day long I thought it was October 28.  It’s just me trying to get to November 2 as fast as possible.

It seems like yesterday and forever ago at the very same time. October 31.  I’ve never been a big fan of Halloween and the incident pretty much made that a wrap.

Yes I am very aware of that date.  There are always smaller dates through the calendar year which are triggers for me but naturally 10/31 is the biggest.

For the first time since the incident I am living in a place Clyde can come home to, even if he is still not home….yet.

As painful as it is to see his room empty most nights, it’s his room and I don’t have to worry that it won’t be his room.

Limekiln Pike was where I lived for a large portion of my life, but it was never really home. Too much pain in that 3 walls and a roof to call it home. I still miss things about it.  I still wish I had the opportunity to recover more from it, but it wasn’t my home.  It was home for Bonnie. It was home for Clyde but not my home.

Even though I’ve been an adult and done adult things for many years, I held onto Limekiln Pike like a child with a security blanket. It was always that place behind the emergency glass for me. I broke that glass more than once.

This is the first time in Clyde’s life that my emergency glass house is no longer there. It’s me or bust.

In the days, then weeks, then months, then years after the incident I wondered if I could actually do THIS. Shit I still do. I examined every prior failure and hit so many brick walls along the way.  It didn’t seem like I would ever get HERE. I did though.

I didn’t do it alone.  I had help from so many people I can’t name them all. Some of you believe in a higher power, and there are still remains of my Buddhist practice which call to me. If there is a supreme being or a universal force which protects us all I got help from that also.

I still always feel like I am one moment away from disaster.

I still don’t have a living room set. I was saving for it, slowly.  I kept finding reasons to not put that money aside for it this paycheck.  I walked every night into my bedroom and despite having the closet and chest, I got my clothes out of the plastic bins I’ve carried them in for 3 years now. I only did significant food shopping when Clyde was coming over, opting to keep my fridge as scarce as possible.

Even though I’ve had these keys and slept here for months, I walked these carpeted floors waiting for me to fuck it up or the universe to say sike!

Then I got fired.

Then something awesome happened.  I didn’t panic.

I didn’t retreat into myself. I didn’t give up. I didn’t assume that all my work and progress was for nothing.

I was afraid. I did not allow that fear to consume me, nor immobilize me. I worked through it.

I took the pennies I’d saved and paid the electric, gas, and cell phone bills through December. I gave myself a day to mourn, understanding how important it is to FEEL, and then I updated the resume and got to business. I scoured every job site every day in shifts.  I applied for Joseph only knows how many positions.

I didn’t panic though. Ok, I panicked a little. It was a controlled panic though, not a historically nuclear panic.

I also didn’t settle. I knew what I needed, I knew what I hoped for and I pursued it.  After 2 weeks the interview offers started coming and the most wonderful thing happened: I had to start turning offers down.

I was in the backseat of Tempest’s car on the way to Baltimore turning down job interviews.

I also had some bad interviews.  Ones where I walked out the door knowing I hadn’t sold myself enough, and knowing that meant another shift at the tablet looking for that which I didn’t have – employment.

It took 3 weeks but I was hired.

I start the new position 10/30.  It’s not my forever job just like Greyhound was not my forever job. It is though enough to sustain this house, which is becoming my home.

There are clothes in the closet now. The bins are slowly being emptied. Slowly because I still have hesitation, but I started. I looked around this home and started making a decoration list. There will be color on these white walls, curtains on windows. I’m gonna buy more pots and pans. I’m picking out the best spot for my TV & XBox.

I put Hello Kitty stickers on my front door. Cola has a playmate now Jimmy.

I’m almost ready to get a new cat. Almost. Onyx is a hard act to follow.

I speak to my neighbors now. Not a lot, I ain’t that chick, but I say hello and ask how they are.

I walk my neighborhood, appreciating it is my neighborhood.

Even though being fired put me in real fucking peril, I am on the other side of it mostly.

Today I had my LAST meeting with the housing program who helped me find this home. I was officially discharged as a success story. The last time I was discharged was from a mental hospital, seriously. It also was not all that long ago.

I still have my issues, my triggers.

But I faced what could have been a tipping point which might send me back down the road to regression and I snatched progress from it.

Shit I might even finish putting together the coffee table before the weekend is out. Ok, I won’t but it felt nice to say it.

I’m gonna be ok. I won’t be perfect, but I am gonna be ok.

 

Aphrodite Brown