Empty Words

Are you ok?

That popped up in my notification banner.  I had a message from him waiting for me to view. I gave that banner the side eye but I clicked anyhow.

Are you ok?

No I am not.

I often say that no is a complete sentence but I felt the need to say today no I am not.

That’s not what I said to him of course, I said ‘sure’.

Could I have told him what was going on? Absolutely. He and I have few secrets between us, we’ve rolled together for just that long. I didn’t bother though because in those few minutes…it did not matter.

I haven’t announced to most of the world I am unemployed. I mean who wants to admit being fired.  Not I. I certainly don’t want to say I got fired for being ME because essentially that is what happened. I took a stand that I didn’t HAVE TO take – in theory- and my reward is filing for unemployment and wondering if I am going to make rent next month.

My reward for doing that which was right and standing up for myself is countless hours sending resumes and waiting for call backs.

My comfort if it exists is that I would do it again, because authenticity might not pay the electric bill but that ain’t due until November.

Are you ok?

No.  This apartment which was supposed to be the next step is too fucking big. It’s too fucking  big for just me.  I miss my Clyde.  I miss all that comes with him being home including trying to figure out where that kid hides his fucking socks and hoping that for just one day we can make it to the school bus on time.

I change his sheets on his bed when I change my own because it is what I would do were he here every night.  I cry every time I do it because his bed never looked so perfect. And so empty.

Theres no laughter here.  There’s no connection.  It’s me and crickets and I don’t like bugs.

Are you ok?

No.

I miss X already.  I shouldn’t. I do though.

I ask myself do I miss HIM or do I miss what he made me feel again.  The truth is both. That feeling is so rare I want to hang onto it.  I want it back.  What I won’t do though is mistake that feeling with a need for him. Yes he was the flip of the switch and yes I am going to hate having to turn the switch back into the off position. Yes he was special but most of his special secret sauce came from the fact that he made me believe again. Call me Mulder I want to believe.

I also want to know why, but I’ve been down that road before and frankly no matter how lovely it was to feel again, I’m not invested enough to moonwalk.  If I learned nothing from that time with Gei I learned that answers sometimes I just am not going to get.

Yes I want them but I am not willing to do that which it takes to get them.

Are you ok?

No. With those same fingers you typed those words with you also told me to go fuck myself. I haven’t forgotten.  I will not.

As much as I will always love you Big Sexy I can’t let that one slide.

A different me perhaps but I’ve been through the darkest and hottest pieces of hell.  Now that I am a little above and not sweating as much? My tolerance for that which hurts me is small.  I am supposed to talk about forgiveness and how holding onto hate is bad for you, but fuck that right now.

I may not hate you, I may actually love you like I have for years now.  What I ain’t gonna do though is let shit slide the way I used to.  That chick doesn’t live here anymore.

Are you ok?

Today? Mostly no.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

 

Aphrodite Brown 

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.

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