I can’t say that anything made me happy today.  I had moments of satisfaction, moments of lust, moments of justification but happiness is too big a stretch.

I picked up the phone and sent a good morning text. I am worried about X. Some very real things happened this past week in his world and with the current distance between us I felt as if I needed to be a safe place for him.

I didn’t expect that I would be in this position.  He’s broken every rule that I thought I had for my next relationship if I decided to go that route again. The only rule he hasn’t broken was suddenly on the table this week.

There I lay though worried about this man I am developing feelings for and his situations. Yes, there are multiple.

I am not good at sitting down and being quiet when it comes to situations that need fixing.  Call me Olivia Pope, I handle shit.  I can’t handle anything for him right now though, this is 100% on him.  I don’t know what the end of the week is going to bring, I just know that if he comes out on the other side of this, he’s got my loyalty until he proves he no longer deserves it.  That my friends as Jow Biden might say is a big fucking deal.

One of my best friends told me to go fuck myself. It’s not the first time he and I haven’t seen eye to eye on an issue and it won’t be the last.  This will blow over like everything else.  I didn’t even get mad, I got disappointed.

He is boycotting the NFL because Colin Kapernick is not playing. I wrote about my feelings in that one Knee-Grows. I haven’t gone back to re-read it but I suspect there was a signifigant amount of anger and frustration in the post. As often happens here I type out the raw to make room for reason in this crowded head of mine. I’m not watching the NFL right now because I do not own a television.  If I did and I weren’t working every Sunday I might throw on an Eagles game.  My ‘boycott’ isn’t set in stone.  My ‘boycott’ isn’t about one Black man who knew the risk he was taking yet still moved forward. What I ain’t fittin to do though is make Colin Kapernick the hill I die on, someone else needs the wood from that cross. One Black man who lost his job over his moral center is not why we should say fuck the NFL.  The NFL gives us lots of reasons to point the middle finger but not employing Kapernick is not one of them.  I ‘stand’ for all of the Black men out here, even my friend who is without cocoa butter today and is ashy as hell….all the Black men who are dying on the streets, who are incarcerated unjustly, who are fighting to establish their masculinity against the very same colonialists who deny them their place.  I ‘stand’ for justice and equality for all that doesn’t come at the expense of my existence and validity as a Black woman.  I wanted him to hear that from me, a Black woman he says he loves.  I got a go fuck yourself instead. Folks wonder why being a Black woman is so damned exhausting.

I sent X a titty photo.  I masturbated after. My vibrator is getting a lot of use now that he’s awakened a part of me I was content to allow to sleep.

My job called me like I knew they would. Two of my supervisors wanted to know why I was not at work.  Shit, I wanted to know that too which is why I asked one of them yesterday about the schedule and why it was altered from what we’ve all grown used to.  His bitch ass ran, because that is what bitch assed men do. The call today I thought would be to come in and cover a shift that they gave to some one less qualified than me.

Look I don’t want to knock her hustle, but she ain’t me.  She can’t do what I do.  She is not as good as I am nor is she willing to put in the work to learn what’s come to me naturally. I knew they would miss my presence.  I even offered to come in because there is no ‘I’ in team. There is a M and an E though, and I sent off that email to Human Resources because I have to look out for ME. I can’t shed a tear if my 40 hours means she gets 32.  Well I won’t is more appropriate.  My literal blood, sweat and tears were spent this summer and I deserve to be compensated for what I spent.  One way or another I will get that compensation. I know my other boss who was on the phone is petty.  Apparently she doesn’t know there ain’t a bitch on this planet who can out petty me.

I didn’t have a specific ‘happy’ moment today but I did have naked breakfast and orgasms.

It was a pretty good day.

Aphrodite Brown