Every so often I will go back to this record and locate an old post. I think that I do it randomly, yet when I am hit with the power of language I am reminded the universe doesn’t make mistakes.
“Flashback” is one of those moments.
There is something coming. There is too much unrest in my soul for anything else to be true.
At this moment though I wonder what that something is actually.
I turned my telephone off today. I’m gonna turn it back on shortly so that I can charge her and ready my alarm for the morning which comes too soon these days.
I am getting into the habit of turning off that phone. If I turn off the phone I can ignore work, and while work is an outlet it is also draining at times. Hitting my stride in this new position, I am preparing for the next step, the next course.
Barbie – the nickname for one of my bosses – keeps gassing my head telling me I could have her position. I know better. I’m not like some of the other ones at the office. I’ve been around this block more than once, and I know that a part of what will keep me out of that chair is my inability to play the social game. I don’t have it in me. I can outperform my peers. I do that on the regular now, without much thought. I am creating new muscle memory.
I don’t have it in me though to play the social game which is a part of how you move from where I am to where Barbie sits. There is also that little thing of her position not being open. There is only room for two and neither of them are leaving. That sits with me as I smile and thank her for the accolades.
The thing about turning off the phone though is that I miss out on things. I asked the Kid a question and I hope he answered me. The black screen on the phone though doesn’t give me an answer. I am ready to take a next step there, but all that comes with that step holds my concrete feet in place.
If his answer is yes, to all that I provide it means that I have to let go of this crusade. What I don’t want is to keep moving only to find out that I have to go back.
In flash back I said you will injure yourself if you walk forward while looking back. What I want the least is to injure someone else. There is a segment of me that will never let Him go, ever. When my last days are present and I am too senile to remember my own name, I will remember His touch and how that made me feel.
In this moment I want that intensely. There was a time I would give up everything for it, that time has passed….but….there are still things I would sacrifice for a return. I don’t want one of those sacrifices to be the commitment of someone “good enough”.
I will never be 25 again, but there will always be that me who tries to recreate that time. I am like an addict in that way.
I know inherently that I can settle in and hunker down and choose a different “life”.
I also know that this unrest – the one that comes before the storm – requires my silence and mediation to hear the message.
I can feel the failure at my replication and I understand that I understand what that means.
While I wait I am asking myself if this is the next time or the last time? I rarely think of that as a last, the connection runs too deep. The last could also be that I don’t have to die of a broken heart.
It does not have to end the way it always does. This isn’t the Dark Tower.