Never let it be said I never gave you a chance.
One of the themes I revisit here is that of my size. I am now officially fat. There were times in my life that I thought I was fat but that was a good 40 pounds ago. My size is something that I’ve come to grips with, even if I have times where I hit the concrete in an effort to alter myself.
My weight loss moments aren’t because I don’t want my fat, they tend to be health related. Hearing your doctor toss around things like cholesterol and diabetes often lends one to make changes. If I ever manage to make those changes permanent the world is in trouble.
I’ve lived my life plus sized for the most part and in that plus sized world I came to understand that I am sexy and desirable beyond those who might fetishized me. Yes there are people out there who used to be called chubby chasers back in my day. They are attracted to my size sometimes because that’s just what turns them on, at other times because that is where they think the low hanging fruit lays.
If you’ve come after me because you thought I was an easy mark….you got your ass handed to you. The days of my being grateful for your attention are gone like my memories of high school. I don’t settle to be someone’s fantasy I am the real deal. I may toy with you some but that is for my amusement not your gratification.
One of the things that perplex my peers at work is the overwhelming attention I get from my drivers. Trixie and others seem genuinely confused that my drivers not only like me but that most of them flirt with me. Shit, I am at times surprised myself. My uniform is not flattering to my boys at all, but then again attraction goes beyond the physical.
Attraction can grow from the smallest of seeds in the shallowest of earth. Attraction is simple in that manner.
My fan club isn’t hitting on my because they all like fat chicks, they are hitting on me because of how I make them feel. Even in my prior position my milkshake brought all the boys to the yard.
It starts with a smile. It continues by remembering their name, and paying attention to when they speak. It’s the small things like remembering what type of fountain drink they always pick to marking their tickets to make the line faster. I make myself useful and relevant and open. Those are my seeds which have bloomed into something else. Yes, I also flirt with them, but I flirt with everyone….ask your grandma.
I make them feel like the most important person in the room and that translates into them seeking me out to have that old feeling again. I also have their backs. I cover for them when they need a favor and I never throw them under the figurative bus. I stand up for them to the public, even when they are assholes…and some of them truly are assholes. I make them feel needed and wanted and in return they mirror that behavior. Even my straight women join the fun because I deliver what no one else can.
What prompted this post was the past two days where I felt exceptionally wanted. I know that some of it is chemical. My pre-menstrual pheromones are on fleek. Some of it is in part due to that old Mother Nature things of trying to get us to populate the world. More of it though is the foundation I laid, waaaay back when I was a ticket agent. A year later I know the names of their kids, grandkids, wives and jump offs. I know who needs a hug and who needs some tough love to get their ass in gear and moving. I use every piece of knowledge to form and preserve my connections and it irks the hell out of some of my counter parts at work.
Some think because they are the stereotypical attractive type that they should be noticed more than me. Ladies behind your backs they are telling me they want nothing to do with your bag of bones. That right there is a literal quote. The name is redacted to protect the guilty.
I recall fairly recently hooking up with two younger men and for a fleeting moment my mind recessed to that sunken place where I wondered if they really wanted me. They proved they did and I appreciate them for putting in that work.
Tonight though I have no doubts about who I am. I am the one to watch.
Watch out for the big girl.