It is difficult for me to believe that for some of you reading this post you have no idea why the members of Velvet Revolver are with this skinny guy with the long blonde hair.
The group is Guns n Roses. The song is Patience from their LP, Lies.
Shit, some of you are too young to even know what an LP is/was. (Sigh)
A few years ago when I was active in my faith I was taught to not ask for things like patience. The act of asking was an invitation for scenarios that tried my patience. I don’t believe in much these days, but I know for sure, my patience is NOT on fleek.
I’ve been downright docile this past year. I attribute that to my Herculean struggle to return to form. Being beaten mentally and emotionally every day doesn’t leave significant room for paper thin emotions. I’ve had to bury all of my feelings to emerge from the dark pit I chose to live and now that I see the light at the top of the hole……I need my patience back.
Everyday I walk out the front door my Blackness and resolve are tested. Constant reader, this shit ain’t cute.
Repeatedly I find that things happen around me which are triggering. At least once per day now I have to remind myself I am not the 22 year old me any longer and the consequences to reverting are too much.
As I slough off the darkness which surrounded me since the incident I often say to myself, these motherfuckers just don’t know. *I* know what I am capable of, but the people in my space today don’t. The positive there is I am evolved enough to demonstrate restraint. The negative is …………these motherfuckers don’t know who I am.
22 year old me was an asshole. 43 year old me is an asshole with things to lose. While it keeps me away from a significant portion of the bullshit, it also opens the door for a large explosion if I cannot keep it subdued.
There wont be much more of my arriving at work to embrace the fuckery. After tonight my petty is on high alert and woe be unto them who step across that line.
I will punch a motherfucker in the mouth……..I just struggle today with all of the reasons why I should not.
Today the pro list and con list stay even. Tomorrow (or technically later today) I make zero promises.
let me sleep on it and get back to you