seventeen months of turmoil and chaos ….. Six days of “normal”
The week after a judge told me that my son was not a candidate for adoption and he would return to my permanent custody I blew everything off.
Appointments were abandoned, the claustrophobic recycled air of the transitional house was oddly soothing and I retreated to the safety of silence and inaction. The only thing I managed to do was go to therapy that week.
For 50 or so minutes the therapist and I discussed the week.
I learned or perhaps I should say I vocalized something already known to me. I am good with fixing, I am good with crisis, I am good….fucking excellent even with operating under pressure. There’s no one better when things around me are crumbling like an Inception dream. I had such a huge win coming off a string of smaller winds that I felt the need to break something – anything – so that I could stay on point.
This week I worked on how to exist and remain in control when the adrenaline stops and I am forced to exist in the non crisis. This is an important lesson that I have to add to my Arsenal. I plan on living a very boring fucking life without chaos when all this is resolved, and I need these tools.
For me though….the tool I use the most is the sledgehammer, busting things and sweeping up the smaller particles.
I am gonna need screwdrivers and nuts and bolts and wrenches and glue.
I need to go shopping.