One of the challenges of my recovery is staying engaged when things are not in crisis. I am able to excel under pressure, to the point that I create pressure so that I can operate.
Horrible cycle but at the least right now….. it is moving me one step closer to stability.
Nothing was going to change as long as I was there. I get that now. I wish I’d gotten that 9 months ago, but they tell me that things happen for a reason. That is what they say. Of course they could very well be saying such to shut a bitch up but this week? I will take it.
Today they dropped an application in my lap, almost literally, which is about an inch thick.
Again….. I will take it.
I am typing this on a raised keyboard. I havent used a raised keyboard in eons.
I am using a desktop with no hardline which keeps fading in and out of the WiFi. Seriously. Like its 1988. Next thing you know they are gonna tell me I need an AOL account.
I feel like I haven’t in months. I feel like there is a purpose in the machine and I am also in the machine. As horrific as the concept of this was a year ago, today we are working what we got.
I am beyond fortunate. A process I know that can take a month, or longer, under conditions that can make a person go postal (yes I know you hate that phrase, but it exists for a reason and I am on a roll right now so……).
I don’t have the photos on this unit but the conditions in the two separate intake units are deplorable. I understand why people say fuck that shit and roll out.
I almost said fuck that shit and rolled out. Had I been forced to sleep in that chair? I really may have said fuck it. I got a bed though. And I got a bed the next night. And now I am someplace I don’t have to worry about having a bed. So like Jay-Z said it is on to the next one.
For the moment I am going back to the iPad which ironically is simpler to use than the dinosaur I am on now. Go Figure.