In my younger days I felt more resilient. I was not but I felt that way. I could do things, like stay awake for days. Of course I had chemical help, but I could do it. At the seasoned age of 43, chemicals or not I am cranky by the time I hit hour 13 awake.
I went to court yesterday. By 9 last night I felt as if I were in the ring and took hours upon hours of Body Blows. In a manner of speaking I did.
A flaw? I use a question mark because I am unsure if it is exactly a flaw – I guard my emotions to most people. Even though you can see what I am feeling on my face, you cannot tell the level of intensity. Unless I think you’re stupid. If I think you are stupid the disgust at your stupidity is apparent.
You can look at my face and love, lust, anger, sadness. My face displays it all but the rest of me conceals how much.
As time passes if you continue to read my face and get to know me, you can tell when the eruption is close. Friday I was able to control little. I held it in mostly when in front of the judge. I dislike that judge, and I hate being in his courtroom. I am sure my face spoke as it does, but physically I held it mostly. There were a few silent tears, like they come these days. There were two exasperated hands in the air shoulder shrugs.
I asked my lawyer if I could speak. I was denied. She told me it was going well. It didn’t feel that way. I had to listen to a very real set back. I had to listen to some random woman say there were 14 relatives who existed connected to Clyde.
I don’t have 14 relatives I would spit on, let alone trust with my child.
I faced real danger yesterday, and while that bullet was dodged, April is way too close and I am way too vulnerable right now to handle that thought.
There is one option, except that option conflicts with a piece I wrote but haven’t published called incarceration. I have to talk to LaLa about that option. She may say no. If she says no, my other option is Powerball and I do not play therefore I do not win.
At my age some women hear their biological clock loudly in their ears and uterus.
I hear a different clock.
one I cannot stop.