Will it drive you crazy? I mean really crazy. Crazy like tearing you clothes off in semi-public crazy? Will you shout it at the top of your lungs that you WANT my DICK AND ONLY MY DICK IN your ASS RIGHT NOW!
Will you beg for more when it’s all the way in? Will you cry for pain and beg for mercy? If each thrust is a lash of the whip, how many lashes do you want? How hard? How fast? How long?
Will the fever race through you so that you forget where you are and drool and spit and curse and apologize for things she hasn’t yet done? Will the porn star emerge and take center stage dressed as an Easter Bunny with the bottom cut out?
What’s out of control like for you? Are you paralyzed by the aftershocks, hiding your face ashamed? Or are you curling into a ball beneath my warmth, purring like a kitten, and apologizing for only cumming eight times. I love when you apologize. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I just miss it.
Do you want a dick to suck while I plow you from behind on your knees and begging for more? Or is it something softer you crave? Do you want to see me torture another woman perhaps? Do you want another woman to see you squirting your juice across the room in a frenzy of lust. Your hands on my ass and your mouth on my mouth as I thrust and grip your hair into my fist slapping your ass with my thighs trying to get my balls inside too.
What’s crazy? Riding my dick while another girl sits on my face and sucks your tig ole bitties? Is crazy being fucked raw from behind doggy style drenched in baby oil and pussy juice while I push you forward with each pounding thrust into another girl’s ass? Would you prefer to lick her wetness as she is chained down and unable to escape? Would you prefer her to lick your wetness while I plow your back door and we both hold you down so you are unable to escape? Would you like for me to watch you bend her over and do to her what you want me to do to you?
What’s crazy? Watching me with another woman between my legs watching you being serviced by three guys at once in a room filled with hard dicks and exposed booties?
What’s crazy? Going to a XXX movie and showing all the guys how you ride a dick? Going to a porno arcade and sucking my through the hole? Could you really cover every inch of your luscious body with vinyl except your pussy and your ass so that the only thing you feel… really feel is down there where the fires burn hottest?
Are you really a slut?
A suck me while I drive, fuck me at a picnic, put another finger in my ass slut?
Can you honestly say your body is mine when you still pleasure yourself? Can you surrender your toys to me and not secretly buy more? Is that even necessary? Do the toys even work anymore? Probably not. That hollow empty feeling you have is guilt for using my property without my permission.
Hollow and empty describe me at the moment. The feeling extends beyond the images this email conjures.
Hollow and empty and numb describe what my days are like. A large part of that has nothing to do with him. The alterations of my life post the incident make my days empty. For seven years my days were full, and now they are not.
For more than seven years my vagina and compulsions were full and met and now they are not.
Vagina is by choice at the moment. Although a session with some leather and tears is something I could use, I’ve chosen to not engage. It’s kind of like I explained to someone today…..I am no longer a savage.
Savage is a good descriptive word for my behavior when I am single in the gaps of our connections.
I spent the morning texting with those who knew me back then.
They can tell you the stories of boys turned to men. Men laid waste. Humans devoured by lust.
Ive tried to explain it to him but it is so opposite what he sees that without the opportunity to witness it first hand I am unsure the message is delivered.
That hollow empty feeling bottomless as I tear through others to feel a fraction of what once was.
Only one other person – August 4 – can say they’ve seen otherwise.
everyone else sees a monster of sorts. There is an insatiable creature who bows only when met with her greater, her predator. Everyone else meets the woman that exists in the gaps.
With him however there is a shift.
I do not react that way.
That shift is where I feel.
not hallow – not empty – not numb and….it is safe to feel that way
or it is safe as long as he is around. When he is gone safety isn’t present and that is when things start to fall