I had a massive disappointment today. I’m still crying over it some while I type.
Staying connected to my people has been difficult lately. Even though I am in a slightly better place on the road to reunification, things are still rough for me.
I rely on LaLa a lot, too much in my head. The reality is though we are relying on one another, supporting one another, cheering one another on and helping each other meet our goals.
She needs me here right now and I need to be here.
I still feel like a burden though. I feel like so much of a burden that when crazy #1 said what she said I wanted to punch her in the mouth. In my defense? She’s been owed a punch in the mouth for YEARS. As I tell LaLa often though violence is rarely the answer. My initial response though was old skool, keep my name out your mouth bitch and it all went downhill from there.
I got over it (mostly). It was important that I not punch her mother in the mouth.
My disappointment today was avoidable. It was avoidable if stupid wasn’t stupid. I have to manage this without my medication and I am fearful because of it, but I have faith I can power through until Tuesday.
Tuesday I go to the new outpatient clinic. Tuesday I get medication again. Tuesday I begin therapy again. That is one more step to what will resemble recovery when this is all over.
Tonight though instead of taking a drink or taking a toke I am taking a moment to remind myself that it took all summer to get my life back to where progress could happen again. It also took being here with LaLa. As limited as our human interaction is, it was needed. Man cannot live with Onyx alone.
My life is settling in on a routine once more. It is the little things that will propel me forward until things are back to ‘normal’.
I wonder though what is on the other side of normal. I know what my life looked like October 30, 2014. I know what I expected. In the year since – in part for self preservation – I’ve needed to manage those expectations. Understanding that on the other side of this fuckfest I am going to have needs that aren’t married to these managed expectations.
Those things I’ve denied myself this past year are still needs but I’ve refused to allow them to be met. I can’t do that forever though, and the ripples of making those alterations are something to fear. Like I don’t have enough to fear already.