remember when I used to come here and write kinky stuff?
So do I. My kink isn’t broken she’s just not my number one priority these days.
As I think about the past year I often ask myself where has the kink gone? She is a great stress reliever and she keeps me balanced so why am I not using her more?
The short answer is life, the longer answer is MY life. When the complaint came in the mail I thought I am finally one of those people who kink caught up with.
By being so open I thought I insulated myself. I didn’t realize there is no insulation from a woman scorned. As I read the complaint I thought this will be very easy, nothing said about my kink life was true, and even if I drew a conservative judge the truth would stand above all.
I was right about that at least, wrong about a lot else, but right that my kink wouldn’t be the reason. Even without that reason my kink slowly started to collect dust. I relied less on S&M to get me through and didn’t think twice about it.
Thinking about it has only been recently even though I was at the kinkiest event of the year. I’m thinking about it now as I realize I will likely have to miss the Unity Munch. I think of it on days like today where I had to cancel time with B.
There will be another kinky transformation in my near future. There has to be because I am not the same girl who started Vizionz.
I was offered a position writing, about kink. My opportunity to get back to my basics and have some catharsis. When I sat to write though the words which used to flow were constipated. My good friend writers block was in town and there wasn’t one kinky topic I could get into a groove with, on, to, around…..in the vicinity.
I am too good for that to last, and I got two posts done but while writing I can say I didn’t feel authentic. The only other comparison would be when shit started going sideways with The Man and I didn’t come here to pour my soul into the sieve. I wrote about kink feeling not at all kinky and realizing it might be more months before I do feel something again.
The time shared with B and my spoon this summer is irreplaceable. It is memories of then that get me out of bed some mornings. I get up and wonder how to work fajitas and Troy Palamalou into sentences. I need that to giggle with my spoon. Her giggle soothes me in ways kink used to, although I could really use some flogging tonight.
It also got me to thinking about what doesn’t click for me any longer …..kinkly. Hey it’s a word if I say it’s a word!
I reside in a space where I want to revert to the old Nicole, but at the same time my other old friend agoraphobia is sitting comfortably on my chest. I want that old thing back, except I know it’s not gonna happen with the current cast. It would be like Joan Crawford filling in for her daughter on All My Children……I’m not young any longer.
I am still the best at that which I do, I am just way slower doing it these days. When the WR announcement was made and my people made it clear that getting there would be a challenge I had a fleeting thought that it would be my chance to get back my proverbial groove.
It won’t be though. There is not a way I can go another calendar year sans kink and turn up in North Jersey. I have to find my way back before then. I will.