remember when I used to come here and write kinky stuff?

So do I.  My kink isn’t broken she’s just not my number one priority these days.

As I think about the past year I often ask myself where has the kink gone? She is a great stress reliever and she keeps me balanced so why am I not using her more?

The short answer is life, the longer answer is MY life.  When the complaint came in the mail I thought I am finally one of those people who kink caught up with.

By being so open I thought I insulated myself.  I didn’t realize there is no insulation from a woman scorned.  As I read the complaint I thought this will be very easy, nothing said about my kink life was true, and even if I drew a conservative judge the truth would stand above all.

I was right about that at least, wrong about a lot else, but right that my kink wouldn’t be the reason.  Even without that reason my kink slowly started to collect dust.  I relied less on S&M to get me through and didn’t think twice about it.

Thinking about it has only been recently even though I was at the kinkiest event of the year.  I’m thinking about it now as I realize I will likely have to miss the Unity Munch.  I think of it on days like today where I had to cancel time with B.

There will be another kinky transformation in my near future.  There has to be because I am not the same girl who started Vizionz.

I was offered a position writing, about kink. My opportunity to get back to my basics and have some catharsis.  When I sat to write though the words which used to flow were constipated. My good friend writers block was in town and there wasn’t one kinky topic I could get into a groove with, on, to, around… the vicinity.

I am too good for that to last, and I got two posts done but while writing I can say I didn’t feel authentic.  The only other comparison would be when shit started going sideways with The Man and I didn’t come here to pour my soul into the sieve.  I wrote about kink feeling not at all kinky and realizing it might be more months before I do feel something again.

The time shared with B and my spoon this summer is irreplaceable.  It is memories of then that get me out of bed some mornings.  I get up and wonder how to work fajitas and Troy Palamalou into sentences.  I need that to giggle with my spoon.  Her giggle soothes me in ways kink used to, although I could really use some flogging tonight.

It also got me to thinking about what doesn’t click for me any longer …..kinkly.  Hey it’s a word if I say it’s a word!

I reside in a space where I want to revert to the old Nicole, but at the same time my other old friend agoraphobia is sitting comfortably on my chest. I want that old thing back, except I know it’s not gonna happen with the current cast.  It would be like Joan Crawford filling in for her daughter on All My Children……I’m not young any longer.

I am still the best at that which I do, I am just way slower doing it these days.  When the WR announcement was made and my people made it clear that getting there would be a challenge I had a fleeting thought that it would be my chance to get back my proverbial groove.

It won’t be though.  There is not a way I can go another calendar year sans kink and turn up in North Jersey.  I have to find my way back before then. I will.


Aphrodite Brown

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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