remember when I used to come here and write kinky stuff?

So do I.  My kink isn’t broken she’s just not my number one priority these days.

As I think about the past year I often ask myself where has the kink gone? She is a great stress reliever and she keeps me balanced so why am I not using her more?

The short answer is life, the longer answer is MY life.  When the complaint came in the mail I thought I am finally one of those people who kink caught up with.

By being so open I thought I insulated myself.  I didn’t realize there is no insulation from a woman scorned.  As I read the complaint I thought this will be very easy, nothing said about my kink life was true, and even if I drew a conservative judge the truth would stand above all.

I was right about that at least, wrong about a lot else, but right that my kink wouldn’t be the reason.  Even without that reason my kink slowly started to collect dust.  I relied less on S&M to get me through and didn’t think twice about it.

Thinking about it has only been recently even though I was at the kinkiest event of the year.  I’m thinking about it now as I realize I will likely have to miss the Unity Munch.  I think of it on days like today where I had to cancel time with B.

There will be another kinky transformation in my near future.  There has to be because I am not the same girl who started Vizionz.

I was offered a position writing, about kink. My opportunity to get back to my basics and have some catharsis.  When I sat to write though the words which used to flow were constipated. My good friend writers block was in town and there wasn’t one kinky topic I could get into a groove with, on, to, around… the vicinity.

I am too good for that to last, and I got two posts done but while writing I can say I didn’t feel authentic.  The only other comparison would be when shit started going sideways with The Man and I didn’t come here to pour my soul into the sieve.  I wrote about kink feeling not at all kinky and realizing it might be more months before I do feel something again.

The time shared with B and my spoon this summer is irreplaceable.  It is memories of then that get me out of bed some mornings.  I get up and wonder how to work fajitas and Troy Palamalou into sentences.  I need that to giggle with my spoon.  Her giggle soothes me in ways kink used to, although I could really use some flogging tonight.

It also got me to thinking about what doesn’t click for me any longer …..kinkly.  Hey it’s a word if I say it’s a word!

I reside in a space where I want to revert to the old Nicole, but at the same time my other old friend agoraphobia is sitting comfortably on my chest. I want that old thing back, except I know it’s not gonna happen with the current cast.  It would be like Joan Crawford filling in for her daughter on All My Children……I’m not young any longer.

I am still the best at that which I do, I am just way slower doing it these days.  When the WR announcement was made and my people made it clear that getting there would be a challenge I had a fleeting thought that it would be my chance to get back my proverbial groove.

It won’t be though.  There is not a way I can go another calendar year sans kink and turn up in North Jersey.  I have to find my way back before then. I will.


Aphrodite Brown

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.

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4 Responses to Clumps

  1. thisgirlthatgirl says:

    wait… why would it be a challenge???!

    • Aphrodite Brown says:

      The short answer is life. Not every date was going to compliment our schedules and 2016’s date is just about the worst one ever for the three of us to get there together and have our family time plus our time with our extended kinky family. We have time to figure things out, but all 3 of us might not be there for the whole event

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