“This will be my last confession I love you never felt like any blessing” – Florence & the Machine
There are many things in my life I don’t want to become, and a burden ranks high on that list.
I’ve used the word burden frequently these last few weeks. The burdens placed on me (by myself and others) seem too heavy to carry.
I carry them though, stumbling at times, dropping shit, outright falling down other times.
I need to learn to leave some of them by the wayside, but I’ve not yet gotten there. I fear being a burden to those who love me.
There is LaLa who opened her doors when my alternative was the street. A few months ago when I got here I was more helpful. The weeks ticked off the calendar and I feared I was too heavy.
My spoon had an outright shitty July and August and I watched helplessly. In the middle of her turmoil, I added to her mental plate the two hospitalizations in two months. Heavy.
B relies on us just like we rely on him. We pool our energy, our thoughts, our desires and dreams as a family. The absence of little girl energy in his life – heavy.
Often my brain reminds me that I cannot make someone else whole and that the opposite is also true. My brain doesn’t give me the solution to the weight put onto my peoples shoulders.
Line each of them up and to a person they will tell you I am not heavy. My anxiety is self imposed and my hysteria poorly placed. I still grind my teeth in the middle of the night though.
With the people we love, we understand that life is not always kittens and rainbows. Life is also not always fire and brimstone. We mostly live in that inbetween where things are secure, comfortable safe. I miss that place even though it is just above or below where I rest now.
It’s not just my pride it’s till these tears have dried – Amy Winehouse
I understand and accept that I am not a burden to you. I will feel significantly better though when I am less heavy.