Once you’ve gotten to know me you will find that there is a consistency about me that can be either frightening or comforting.
My people can tell you how I like my coffee, what I am likely to order from a menu, which shoe I am gonna put on first and any number of things about me. What both they and I are dealing with is mood shifts.
I do not like them Sam I Am.
Over the years, mostly for self preservation purposes I learned to manage my emotions. I’m not quite a Vulcan but emotions are kind of useless to me with rare exception. As a little one showing emotion taught others how to hurt me. As a young woman showing emotions taught others where my weaknesses were and how to exploit them. As a mother and a daughter showing sadness caused stress on the people I gave my life to protect.
Since the ‘event’ I have no other choice but to show all of my emotions. I’ve been struggling to pull them back in. I fail in the struggle very often these days.
Today was not one of those days though. I experienced anxiety over today for a while now, about a month. I didn’t walk into today thinking that it was gonna turn out like it did. I was prepared to arrive and be Nicole. I’d demonstrate a competency that was like the old me. They would have no other option than to delay their objectives they would be not prepared for their opponent.
B called me and I spoke to him as I reviewed the paperwork.
It was about 1130 and about 60 minutes too late.
The hearing I told myself was this afternoon was this morning.
As I read through the paperwork the emotions refused to rise. No anger – no tears – no anxiety – nothing.
The feeling was familiar.
I’ve spent most of the evening in the quiet being familiar. I fear that old familiar me.