The day that Carla came to see me in the emergency room I gave her my telephone.
I smile at that because I should say ‘cell phone’ but I am of age where I understand there is more than one type of phone. Since my cell phone is pretty much my only phone I can call it my telephone. Little things.
Before I gave her the phone I used a neat little feature it contains called Do Not Disturb. I know I would be away for a while, I didn’t expect 21 days but I knew it would be a while.
When I walked out of the hospital and onto the van that would take me to the next phase of this thing I call life, I tended to leave the DND on.
I was not in a place where charging the phone was simple and not using the phone made sense. I could conserve battery while I figured out what step ‘next’ was for me.
I grew into the habit of keeping the DND on after a short time. It gave me a layer of protection a shield from the world I didn’t feel ready to face. Sadly it also at times kept me from talking to the people that I needed. There were the people I wanted to talk to – and the people that I needed to talk to – and I was not getting any of those calls.
It was good and bad and everything in between.
It was also a way to hide. I’ve gotten good at hiding over the years. I hide in plain sight unseen by most even when I am big and bold and flashing like a beacon. This week for a number of reasons I took the DND off the phone. Well let’s backtrack a tiny bit.
About 2 weeks ago I blocked phone numbers I knew I was done using and I cleared out some of my contacts. I added two and only two numbers to my favorites. This way if I felt the need to revert to DND those who I needed in my life the most I wasn’t finding ways to shut them out. I can be really good at shutting people out most days.
Even though I still had favorites the DND remained. I was hiding from something. That something is known to me I just am not gonna share that right now. My hiding didn’t mean I wasn’t seen. It actually meant that I was being seen for what I was in that moment of time. A coward. I have cowardly moments. They are a part of human nature and like it or not I am human.
I still have fear of those numbers which can now reach me in my seclusion but I answer the call sometimes.
It is a sign of growth and progress. It is a sign of healing.
What is also is – is proof that I can take this next …. step. Even if I don’t really want to take that step. I really do not – but this is a moment like many of my moments lately that choice is but an illusion.
Illusion
what a concept.
Aphrodite Brown