A friend in need….
If there is one thing that I’ve learned about myself over the years it is that I am good at taking care of people. I’m so good at it I often forget to take care of myself in the middle of that care for others.
I rarely ask for things which I need. I almost never admit that I am the person in need of assistance.
Its not that I never need. It is that I’ve been conditioned over the years to put my needs …. well let’s just say not first.
I’ve spent the past few days in the space of an ex. We haven’t been intimate in years yet our lives remain woven together. This is not a matter of need it is a matter of choice.
That choice is frankly mutual dysfunction. There are worse things that one can have mutual engagement in – with – of.
The long and the short of it is that I was in need of a place to stay for a few days, she was in need of company post surgery. We found ourselves useful to each other for a change and neither of us minded.
I think we are approaching our can be under the same roof limit but we are not yet there and in the meantime a friend in need is a friend in deed.
I often share that I am not a people person… I am not social etc etc etc
No one really believes me when I say that but I keep saying it.
What I am is a creature of habit and comfort. I am also a person who acts when she knows that she can. The details are not as important as the knowledge that being here in her space had me fall into default position much faster than “normal”. What ever normal resembles these days.
I ended up doing things I would not normally do as if doing it would change something for me.
I’ve worked like I haven’t under my own four walls these past days because the alternative is facing who I’ve become which is much different than the person I want to be when I grow up. Lots and lots different.
Like the advice others seek of me it is simple to dole harder to swallow.
It is here that I see the me that I dislike instead of the me I’ve worked so hard to uncover. The me I’ve slaved to like. The me that B deserves.
It’s not like there is something wrong with me in the historical sense — it is the frequent battle between who I can be versus who I am versus how I present to others. Even though I don’t always care about how others view me… I am not oblivious that I move in a society with people who are not me.
The me that I deserve.
It was easy to diagnose what was wrong in this space even while some of the same things are wrong in my own space.
I’ve been working hard on getting home ‘right’ again. I’ve also been avoiding things that need doing while working. Monday I righted one of those wrongs and I am thankful for that. It lifted weight off my shoulders and welp I have a bad right knee.
There is still more weight to unload both mentally and physically. One day at a time though. Tomorrow is another day. And I have a knee brace. I just don’t have a brace for my heart though.