One of the things that let’s me know I am still alive is my ability to still get nervous. I am a tad bit jaded and a little seen it all/done it all. When you’ve lived the life that I live there leaves little room for surprise in your space.
I can still get nervous though… and I often do.
My being nervous is a little different than my onging anxiety disorder. My being nervous comes from that thrill of life new experience…..or the here we go again experience when you know the players but not how the game is played.
I get nervous and that is okay. I needed to explain to myself that it was okay. I didn’t want to but this is yet another lesson of my life that needed learning.
Today I am nervous about my kinky family.
I get that this is different than the last time I decalred a kinky family… but I am still nervous.
I understand that the foundation is different and the people are different and we are coming from a place of authenticity not guile.
I know that there will be hugs and laughter and I will feel almost human again.
And I know that I am still nervous.
I worry that I will fuck it up somehow.
I worry that I won’t fuck it up.
I worry that the earth will open up and swallow me whole.
I worry a lot and I am nervous about a lot and with this week upcocming I think I have the ‘right’ to be nervous… whatever that means.
I sit here looking out the window and watch the snow fall and I am nervous.
It doesn’t make things better or worse to know how much better these things are going to go than anything that we might have encountered before.
I am nervouvs still. What I am positive about though is that when this is all over …. June won’t get here soon enough.