The prompt for day 14 is a letter to a hero who let you down
If I had dread about any of these prompts this was the day. I ran across the 30 days of truth prompt after reading on Fetlife the journal of a woman who was doing the same 30 days prompts.
I do not know her personally, but I know the person she refers to as an aside in that prompt.
That person matters to me for many reasons. I know them to be kind, supportive, powerful. I understand they have issues, but shit all of us have issues. Her description of this person bothered me and while I got what she meant about not letting herself down ( she was the hero in her post ) I also felt some kind of way about how she portrayed this other person, someone who I know and think of as my friend.
That other person and I connected years ago. I was just getting my feet wet in the public world of BDSM and they were ne of the first people who reached out to me. I was never just pussy to them. I was never a conquest or notch in their belt. I was as that world knows me Nicole, an interesting person who they might have a measure of attraction to as a …. shit I can’t speak for what was in their head.
In my head there was a bit of hero worship.
Many people know of this person. I’ve learned over the years that few know this person and I consider myself one of those people who don’t **know** them.
I can tell you many stories of how they made me laugh, the service I’ve seen them provide. I can tell you of the time they made me cry – HARD – and how I blame them in part for one of my more embarrassing experiences in this public lifestyle scene.
The thing about those stories though is that I cannot tell you who they are because I just don’t know them.
I know that I’ve watched their activity from the distance and that they’ve done some things to make me scratch my scalp until it bled. I know that our chemistry never subsided. If you put us together to dance on the dungeon floor as we have once or twice, the crowd will still gather, the heat will still radiate, and my skin still makes beautiful noise to their percussion.
I can tell you about our first kiss. I won’t though 😉
I can tell you that given the option to pick people I want in my life they are on the list. My history with that person is polka dot but I would still fight next to them if the rumble was brought to our doorstep.
I can tell you in part because of them I got my very first online stalker. I can tell you that chick is crazy like a bag of cats.
What all that says is I still don’t know them. I know some of the circumstances of their life since we met. I know that there are multiple perceptions to the truth and that their perception likely would not be the perception shared in that blog post/journal.
I can tell you what I believe about that person and allow you to use that as you will. Since many of you won’t have a clue WHO this person is whelp it can’t be used….but I still feel like I have to say this anyhow.
I believe in you.
While reading that blog prompted questions in my head, those questions don’t erase the person I met and the person I care about. I believe in you.
I can admit that I’ve not taken the time I should to know you better after all these years old friend. What I know though is that I believe in you. I know you are flawed, and I like the flaws you’ve allowed me to witness. You’ve grown from each one yet still remained that person I once looked up to with star struck eyes.
Imperfect you are but you were imperfect when we met. That imperfection hasn’t diminished my admiration for you. It also doesn’t make me wish things were different with us. It was as it was meant to be and without those lessons I would not be the person I am today.
While I wish you’d make very different choices along the way, I still love and respect you. I always will. Although you’ve expressed to me that I could defend you better, you don’t need my defense. Although we will vehemently disagree on more than one topic, I love that about you and don’t hold it against you….I embrace it because I embrace you.
I love your audacious laughter and courage. I love the fight in you. I love the thoughtful way you approach many things and I wouldn’t trade the you I know for anything.
While yes there are concerns about what I read, those concerns are about my affection for you…and how you made that specific decision. I won’t ask because it is not my place. Instead I am taking the time to celebrate you because the you I know is worth celebrating.
Yes in a way you are a hero who let me down. You let me down because you chose that person and they turned out to be a less than perfect choice. That let me down because I want the best for you and that was obviously NOT the best.
Like in all things though I suspect you’ve learned from that experience and will make alternative choices in your present and future. For that reason, you remain one of my heroes.