I like to think I am a good judge of character. Tonight I question that openly.
i kind of have to at the moment when I find that just about everyone I thought I could rely on drifted away.
Not everyone of course, my rock is still there like he’s been for years now. I am unsure what I would do without him and I fear ever finding that out.
I mentioned the other day that it’s been 7 years I’ve been fighting this fight holding my family together. Sometimes it’s been just with bubble gum and hope and I ran out of bubble gum.
I’ve thought of re-publishing the story of us. Just so those who wonder how can understand. I might still do that. The pages are still here I just sent them dark when Vizionz took the turn she took.
The cliff notes version though is my Bonnie had a stroke on 2007, her sister is a thief, I stayed here instead of leaving to be with Gei, and seven years later I am plum wore out.
Thats tonight. Tomorrow or the next day I will be ready to knuckle up again but tonight I just wanna lay down.
In the past 7 days I’ve had to question friendships. I’ve had to end friendships. I don’t like to do that. I value my friends and I am loyal long past when I should give up. When you come at me though in a way that is unwarranted for pointing out your own words? Yeah, that’s something I just have to let go.
When I call you and explain the unique circumstances happening here. The perfect storm if you will of fuck shit and I ask for something as simple as water and 5 days later I can’t get that? Not even for Bonnie & Clyde? You’ve got to go too.
That is the part that is fucking me up the most right now. She looked me in the eye when my hemoglobin was 4.5 and told me she had my back. She cursed me out for not reaching out to her.
I’m home now she said. I got you. I believed her.
Yet 5 days later I’m still waiting for water.
Losing a was hard. I love her still.
Losing my other friend is tough too. But it’s been borderline for months. I know how I expect to be treated and if I don’t get that I can either continue to accept it or move on. I’ll be moving on like Maya.
Sea hurts the worst though. It makes me question if this is who she’s always been and my love and loyalty blinded me to that or if she’s changed.
Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I am the flaw I am after all the common denominator in all these connections. If they are not up to par is that my fault? Is it my fault for picking poorly?
My gut says no, both those friendships run long and deep. From boardrooms to jail cells and everything in between. If we can ride through all we did then it wasn’t a bad pick at all.
On a night like tonight though? I have neither the energy nor inclination to either go back for them or stand still while they catch up. I can’t do that and make these moves I have to make for my family.