The prompt for day six is something you hope you never have to do
At this moment I hope I never have to have a particular phone conversation.
It will be ugly. There will be cursing. It will push me to do something that I’ve avoided doing for months now.
I said in a prior entry I would rather forget than forgive. In this case I will forgive but that forgiveness extends to me. It’s not wrong of me to trust. It’s not wrong of me to be vulnerable. It’s not wrong of me to be grateful. It is when I allow all of those things to stop me from doing that which I should that self harm comes into play.
The doc and I talked today about my progress in mitigating self destruction and self harm. He didn’t allow me to shrug off my accomplishments of the past two weeks. I do that often but he was steadfast in making me acknowledge what I did right.
He also reminded me that no matter how hard outside voices push if I am being true to ME then I can’t go wrong.
That at was especially timely considering how the past few days here have played out.
I made good choices to prevent self sabotage and harm. They weren’t easy choices but they got made. I haven’t had a lot of easy choices this week on the surface of things except one — be true to myself. While it felt difficult it really was not. It was simple once I quieted myself and allowed my center to well center me.
Once upon a on a time The Man sent me a text message that gutted me. I copied it and emailed it to myself so that I would never forget it. When I have one too many where did we go wrong moments I open that email and remind myself that the person who sent me that message was not a person who loved me.
He said that he did. That message says something else though. Today I have a whole new set of reminders to keep me from ever making that phone call. I am gonna copy them and email them and remind myself why that door needs to stay shut.
It took longer to learn that lesson with this connection but late is better than never no?
I don’t have to hang on to people who only “love” me because I live up to their sta ndards even if those standards are wrong for me. I don’t have to hang on to people who only “love” me when I act as they think I should act.
Since I can let go I can say this. And I never have to make that phone call and bring unwanted fuckery into my life for doing something that while true to me? Will bring down some shit I ain’t in the mood to handle. I’m good with that.
I’m still winning.