30 Days of Truth – 3

The prompt for day 3 is something you need to forgive yourself for.

I have many things that I could insert into this space.  I am going to choose something recent while it is still raw on my mind and heart.

I give myself permission to forgive myself for letting go and also NOT letting go.

The end of a relationship often happens before the official “I quit”.  That was the case with my own.  There is responsibility all around to  all involved, but it is okay to tell me that my responsibility doesn’t make me a mean or evil person.

Early on I would make note that I walked into the situation back asswards.  I ignored all of the things that I know work.  I ignored all of the things that build to last.  I tossed all of my protocols and requirements out of the window, and with that I set us up for where we ended.

If I’d remained steadfast in what I know to be a proven system, we either would have called it quits months ago, or we would still be together.

I lean towards we would have broken up months ago.  Although that  alternate reality would erase so many beautiful and happy moments between us, I still wonder if we would both be better off.

There is considerable stress we would have avoided as well.

What’s done cannot be undone, I can only move forward and learn from this experience.

What I’ve learned is that as rigid as I can be, flexibility is not a luxury that I can extend at the beginning.  It sounds harsh, and in ways it is, but that harshness will set me up for success and not failure.

I stayed when the signs were clear that my idea of the relationship and their idea of the relationship were not aligned. I stayed and watched as they maintained a connection that was wrong, and no matter how many times they were told it was wrong they clung to it. I stayed and watched as I valued them more than they valued themselves.

Not letting go led to fleeting moments of bliss that were surrounded by extended periods of disconnect.

Letting go gives us both the chance to find that which is a better fit since we could never allow ourselves to fit into that which we claimed we wanted.

Forgiving myself is not a simple task because nothing happens in a vacuum and my inaction with not letting go, and my ACTION with remaining affects someone else. Not only does it affect someone else I cannot help that someone else through this. To manage my recovery, I have to leave them out on an island and that doesn’t sit well with me.  NOT.AT.ALL.

I am proud that I realized what I was seeing and finally took action to stop it.  That was a good thing.  I am happy that I finally demanded that which I deserve.  I am not proud or happy that I allowed my emotions to override my process.

I can forgive myself for that and that process starts today.

 

Aphrodite Brown

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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