The prompt on day two of 30 days of truth is share something you love about yourself.
I love my brain. I am kind of a smart chick. I am not gonna split the atom anytime soon but intelligence is one of my positives.
I like being able to read anything and understand it. I enjoy being smarter than the average bear.
It is that intelligence that has me pensive about my next blog post here.
Although I keep trying to put this motherfucker to bed the Hafez series lives on. I keep putting it to bed and:
I’ve had to reflect on the series more than I wanted to these days. As I’ve shared that series takes a toll on me, up to and including re-visiting it.
In the past few weeks, in the shadow of Black BEAT I’ve been exposed to more of Hafez than I want. He’s been a little butt hurt, some might say he is entitled to that. He’s always had issues with “that” part of our community judging him as he would say. He doesn’t fit their ideals of how he does his kink and because of that he’s an outsider.
In all actuality, I’ve never had an issue with the S&M I’ve seen him do in person or online. S&M is complex and what works for one won’t work for another. Break a boat oar on my ass? No thank you. If you can get someone who likes it though and they consent to it? Rawk out with your cock out.
That’s the delicate dance I’ve done over and over with this series. Trying to walk the line between being a busybody, not tossing judgment, and exposing behavior that can be dangerous. One single misstep and I’ve fucked up my credibility, I’ve thrown away the lessons that need to be taught and I damage my ability to help others.
One push too many and I am that fixated chick who is pushing her own agenda rather than a woman with a purpose.
Someone I respect told be that I’d found my groove. That they saw the possibilities with the route I’ve chosen and they’ve encouraged me to stay the course. Staying the course though means making tougher decisions.
I am not immune to acting out of frustration and anger. I am not immune to allowing my pride and my ego to get in the way of the message. I can dig in my heels when I know that I am morally right, and while doing that do some wrong things.
I can think less about the consequences while pushing for what is right.
I am at the stage where I know what I should do, and it is the opposite of what’s been “asked” of me. Yes asked is in quotation marks. The quotes are to remind ME that this issue is so FUBAR. Not just the issue of that couple, but of intimate partner violence specifically. When you add in the BDSM components the ability to spot unhealthy relationships becomes even more difficult. It is that difficulty which is why I have to stay the course.
A conversation with a friend pointed out something that I’d not considered when writing the series. That the good that comes from sharing this story also comes with consequence to those who read. My decision to write the story affected people in ways I did not intend. Good intentions don’t always result in good things happening. So I am faced with pushing on with the additional understanding that there are consequences to others, or stopping and letting “evil” win.
I have to decide if it is ego that propels me. Knowing that I am right about the situation, it would be a blow to my ego if I stopped. Is my ego bigger than the greater good? Is this one example of what goes wrong worth possibly impairing the men and women I can help down the line. Am I willing to sacrifice the bigger picture to be right in this one moment?
I’ve re-read every word of the Hafez series. I know that legally I am on solid ground. There is no legal action that could get the series censored. Now Hafez has threatened me with a report to the authorities, and frankly I almost welcome that. A legal victory validates me in ways that are immeasurable. Who doesn’t want validation? A legal victory also means I carry this with me and don’t get to put it down. It also means that while this fight happens if it happens, the good I’ve done will be cast in shadow.
There’s also things like cognitive dissonance and Stockholm Syndrome. I have to look and see my own cognitive dissonance in this situation and make the proper decision. That decision might be something that goes against my instincts. That decision might be to double down and tighten my belt.
That decision won’t be made tonight though. I have to chant about it. I have to sleep on it. I have to discuss it with B, because the decision whatever it might be will affect him, or at least how I relate with him through the stress of what ever happens.
My intelligence will lead me to the correct decision.