One thing that I’ve learned over the years is to not expect people to be anything other than people. The saying I’ve used over the years is that the human condition never disappoints.
Expectations caught me sleeping a few days ago, and in the aftermath of that I find that it is a moment where a little more self reflection will make things flow smoothly in the future.
I expect that I will never have another “vanilla” relationship. I am not built for them now, if I ever was before. While my sexuality is fluid, my expectations about life and my intimate relationships are not. That shit is very black and white. An egalitarian relationship will not work for me. While TPE or total power exchange might not come my way again, power exchange itself is here to stay.
I expect that I’ve been conditioned to find comfort in power exchange and where everything else leaves me uncomfortable in other aspects of my life, I can choose not to have that within my relationships.
I expect that someone as extraordinary as a will be difficult if not impossible to find, and I expect that I won’t look.
I wasn’t looking for her when she came into my life. I am thankful that she did. Even though my ability to try to reconcile has been exhausted, I don’t regret our year of connection. I hope she doesn’t either.
I expect that the lessons I learned in the past year will make me a better woman and a better intimate partner. I will enter into any new addition to the present if they are to happen with better tools to avoid open interpretation and bottom resistance. If I am not going to do vanilla, then I need to from the start be more clear about where authority rests. I need to be more rigid in the beginning to all for flexibility along the way.
I expect that as my education continues there will be a shift in my activities. I’ve done a lot of work on me in the past few years with more than needs handling. I’ve also realized my gift? purpose? future? rests with helping others. I also realize that my way of helping is not always what they need.
I can’t save the world. I can’t educate the world. I can’t impose my path to satisfaction on the world, even if I am extremely satisfied. That realization is tough to swallow.
I have to be more measured, more focused in my journey so that those who are put into my life that I can help, get help. I expect that my days of just being general and assisting are now over and the days of being laser sighted are here now. I’m unsure if I am totally prepared for it, but it being here makes it necessary.
I expect that along the way I am going to lose some friends. I expect that I will mourn them and keep moving. Although my friends are my chosen family and losing them will harm my soul but I also expect that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. Their loss will be meant for reasons I only hope those reasons make sense to me and that I can embrace them without ignoring the lessons that will come.
I expect that there are some struggles ahead. I expect that I can meet most struggles.