Once upon a time on this blog I announced that there would be a series of blogs about The Man. That category still exists, even though it is visibly empty at the moment. Time showed that a category was not needed. There were and will be individual references but a category would keep him alive and present in my mind in ways that are not healthy for my current relationships.
B is for Bishop. My Daddy.
Some have asked why I don’t call him Daddy here. There are many reasons but the one most relevant is that he is not the first man I’ve found worthy of calling Daddy. If I simply wrote Daddy all of the time you would not be able to identify the specific person. While there are moments when that is acceptable, B’s relevance to my life dictates that you understand the good and the bad as they are written about him.
So B is born because the man already exists, the dude seems not respectful enough to me, and since many of you also know B it makes things simple. I am all about simple these days whenever possible.
B is fucking awesome. There are women out there who wish they were as fortunate as I am to have him in my life. He has a fan club. Yes a literal fan club. That understanding means that on a level, some place some where, that there is a woman (or more) out there who think I am not worthy of him and think they could take my place.
I don’t worry about that so much. First, our relationship has room for other people in it. In theory he could pick up 100 more women to call his. In reality, he’s awesome but not a deity and 100 women would kill him. Second, one of the awesome things about B is that his love is limitless. His love for another partner does not detract from his love for me. In many ways it enhances his love for me, but that is another blog for another time.
My relationship with B is still new in its current form, but it is not new to us. He’s been my unconditional friend for years. I can’t think of a better foundation for us to build on, that we get to fall back to maintaining the friendship, while growing the power exchange.
It is that friendship I think that keeps us both present in the moment. I am thankful for that since being present is something that I’ve had issue with in the past. I still struggle but B helps keep it simple.
I am not a woman who thinks that submission and surrender should be hard. It think is has challenges, but that does not equal hard for me. I think it alters a person and alteration can be uncomfortable but that to me also does not equal hard.
Being with B is not hard. Because it is not hard, the times when we have to have hard conversations cause me stress. I would not call it a bad stress. I liken it to my conditioning which historically has brought me to a point in prior relationships where things had the potential to go sideways. Knock wood B and I are walking straight, but that doesn’t mean that I fear going left. Tonight in a different blog I am going to start – if not also finish a reflection on one of those hard conversations.
Sharing these moments is something a little new for me. While I am fiercely protective of my relationships, I am also at a stage in my development where it is even more important that I share.
I need it for my personal mental health. In therapy I am dealing with some deep stuff and it is that can’t hold it all in thing – gotta let it out thing – imma POP if I can’t thing.
I need it for my growth as a woman and a student. My path is taking me to the place where as I prepare for a time in the near future where I am helping others, I have to also help myself. Authenticity is not just important for me but necessary for me. I would be ineffective as a clinician if I facilitated the mental health of others without giving myself that same opportunity.
I need it because others also need it. Vizionz began about me. It is still a snapshot into my life. It is still a rolling living document of the story of Nicole. What its also become over time though is a starting point for others. It is a place where examples are shared and at times those examples assist others.
Keeping these deep thoughts about my journey to myself doesn’t do anything to help me or help others. Sharing though has its own set of risks.
It opens my life up to scrutiny that in theory could add pressure and cause conflict. It opens me up to judgment. It might color how others look not just at me, but at B. It puts a man who through his time in our community has mostly been private into a spotlight that he may find shines too brightly. So I need to step lightly, me the elephant in the china shop.
What is not doubted in my mind is that B deserves his own space, his own category and his own reflections. I hope that I do him justice.