Innocence Lost

Over the years I’ve been exposed to a lot.  You cannot undo things that have been done.  Regardless of if  it happened to me or to someone else I spend time mourning the loss of innocence among us. Us means women in general.

tubman-quote

 

I have a few series here on Vizionz.  By far the most difficult one to write was this series Hafez.

The events as written happened.

They did not happen to me, but that does not mitigate the toll it took on me to write it. I’ve always been an empath.  I’ve always carried with me more compassion than many of my peers.  Buddhism enhanced both of those personality traits.

I carry weight not just on my body but on my soul as well.

Often I want more for people than they want for themselves.  That is one of the most difficult things to manage in my life.  Letting go when I have to to prevent others from clouding my psyche and impairing my happiness. I am still a work in progress.

I didn’t write the series to change anything.  One thing I do understand is that I cannot live the life of someone else.  My life is handful enough.  I certainly cannot take on the life of another.  Even if I wanted to and I do not there is just no room for it in my life.

I didn’t think that writing this series would change anything.  It was a story that needed to be told.  People needed to understand the source of the animosity they were seeing and why my emotions ran so deep on something that “didn’t have anything to do with me”.

The quote goes injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Sitting silent in the face of that type of abuse is not something that I can ever do.  It won’t win me any popularity contests but it is who I am.  That part of who I am will not change. What also won’t change is that some of us who have suffered abuse won’t recognize it.  Some become so accustomed to it that to live differently in any way feels like abuse.

We’ve all seen women abused who return to their abuser.  It happens in life and it happens in BDSM.  If you’ve read the series you know what happened.  ____’s decision to remain or leave doesn’t erase the activity.

Her presence in a video doesn’t erase the actions. Shit it is that same method of media – a video – that displays the actions beyond debate.

It is not a secret that I have no use for Hafez.

It is not a secret that he behaves in the manner that abusive cowards behave in.

It is simple online to say things like “I can’t wait to roast your ass in person”.

It is something else to be in the same place with the person who has exposed your behavior, dared you to prove otherwise, find yourself unable to do such – – and then save face.

B described it as the pirouette.  It was the movement that Hafez made last week, when he realized I was in the room, and how he would do a 180 degree turn to get away from me.

That is what happens when a bully meets their match.  They walk away from that confrontation because they understand the person is not weak enough for them to roll over.

B feared that Hafez would break an ankle based on those hard turns.  Karma or not.. I wished that he would.

I promised those I love that walking into Black BEAT I would not initiate any confrontation.  I keep my word.  Of course Hafez made that simple for me by tucking tail and running like a bitch every time he saw me…. devil’s dominant my ass.

In true bitch ass fashion though he did attempt to take one jab at me from a distance.  From a good 30 feet away he made a smart comment to me.

I didn’t have to deal with him though.  That chore went to B.  If little ole me is intimidating, imagine a coward being reminded that the bane of his existence is not only right (and I am) but also with someone who can meet you man to male human (yes because being an abusive asshole doesn’t make you a man it makes you a human with a penis).

I do kind of regret not being able to give him the opportunity to call me a liar to my face.  I don’t regret keeping my word to my people though.  They are worth more than the temporary satisfaction of watching Hafez drop mud in his kilt.

As far as ____’s future with Hafez? She has to live her life in the manner she think works.  I will always chant for her happiness.  I will always chant for her enlightenment.  What I won’t do though is say that her return is anything other than her choice.

 

I could write a whole other blog and thesis about why the abused return to the source of their pain. I will save that for school though.  This semester is abnormal psychology and social psychology.  There will be lots of time to expand on those reasons with a purpose.  My purpose at this point is to finish my degree so that I can be licensed to help those who want to be helped, even if that is not her at this moment.

 

Aphrodite Brown

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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