I am imperfect.
I doubt that anyone who’s met me would deny that. It so happens that some people find my imperfection simpler to navigate than others. I don’t fault those who find its too much for them. In many ways I fault myself for being so complex.
Complexity is different than my #1 ugly kind of trait – stubbornness.
I got to talk to a friend today and catch her up on the happenings in my world. She asked me which was more important: being right or being with _______.
It’s more complicated than those two issues, but my answer was being right.
It’s not about proving someone else wrong, its about me doing that which I know to be correct. It’s not about being right, its about doing that which is right for me. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for people who choose a different path, or have a different vizion.
That being true to me is tough if it conflicts with you being true to yourself. At times those are 180 degrees apart and neither of us is willing to walk the line. That doesn’t make one of us evil or worth dragging though the mud, it makes us incompatible. Incompatibility is not a capital offense.
It won’t lessen the pain at understanding you have to let go of someone that you love. What it might do is with the passage of time allow friendship to remain. That is a big maybe sometimes though.
I have people that I’ve been intimate with who are friends but I don’t have friends who are ex’s with who I maintained a relationship. That transition from lover to friend only is not something I have experience with, even though in life I’ve had a LOT of experiences.
The closest that would come to would be Gei, but I can’t say that he and I are friends. I can’t say anything about Gei at this moment, and that is kind of a good thing.
Sometimes in a break up I will try to understand when things faulted beyond the ability to repair. On my end the answer is easy, it tends to be about 30 seconds before I say I am done. For others the answer varies, and sometimes they cannot answer – or will not. I have to respect that, once the relationship is over the only commitment left is that of decency.
It doesn’t help me make different choices though. It doesn’t help me process the details to make me a better person. It makes me focus on what went wrong instead of what we did right. The wrong is important but the right is important as well.
Over the years I’ve learned
I don’t need a household manual, I only need 2 rules: transparency and obedience. Those rules cover me on both sides of the D/s slash. It seems like something overly simple for such a complex relationship, but it works. There are layers that can be added over time but transparency and obedience are my go-to.
I was told that my words matter. I can’t really agree with that, except I almost can. I think my deeds outweigh my words. When I look around though and see how others value words over deeds, I get it………almost.
That isn’t something that I can do, but I can almost understand it for other people. I wish more for them, but I can’t live their lives for them.
Over time I am sure that I will flesh somethings more out here. I’ve been doing that with you since 2010 constant reader… this isn’t new. You walked in the door knowing you would get some deeply personal insights from me, and that’s not going to change. Even if the names change over time, I will always be your