Is there something thinner than the blade of a razor? Besides my patience?
My nutritional intake for the last 24 hours and the next 48 will be coffee and popcorn.
I have places that I need to be and cannot go due to logistics, budget, and physical limitations.
I have phone calls I can’t return because the answers to the questions that will be asked I don’t have the capacity to answer.
And someone – no TWO someone’s that I love are hurt.
I hold blame in all of the above, by my purpose and by “happenstance”. And my level of patience has exceed that of Job.
My ability to love is not in question, it is my ability to reign in my hatred that is. My ability to convey that which is true is impaired, and it fuels my anger.
When I saw it, and I saw it first the world turned red. I saw blood and flames and knew without doubt that only both would quench this feeling within me. I am humanity at her most flawed. Lioness on her stalk and kill. To witness it develop and attack is terrifying.
I know that, which is why I spend so much time containing it. I know this about me and I know how it will affect those who love me, and those who I love. I get tunnel vizion until the task is complete and only then do I exhale. Only then do I stop to realize all is in smoke and rubble around me.
I will act without thought to consequence to avenge the wrong done to someone I love. The consequence of failing to protect them is my only concern. It is my only thought, my only action, and my only existence until something changes.
Yet, still over the years I’ve also managed to swallow that white hot rage when I have to, because there are lines that I won’t cross, even in that alternate reality.
My ability to love insulates those who might be consumed, even if they don’t think that is the case in the moment.
Some have been around long enough to understand that – some still have a ways to go to get there.
If the names Valerie – Kahlil and Reginald are on your radar yes you really ARE a constant reader and I thank you for traveling this long and winding road with me.
If those names are not on your radar, just understand, that their existence is proof that what you fear most is not possible.
Over the years I’ve learned to manage that which is the most destructive. It doesn’t soothe the injuries that have happened, it simply gives reference to the possibilities.
I am struggling today in so many ways. I am not upset at the struggle, I am capable of getting through the struggle.
What I am not willing to do though is ignore the injury to the ones that I love.
You can come for me, people do it all of the time. I can handle it, I am BFW.
I come out on the other side leaner and meaner and better prepared for the next time it happens. There is always a next time – the human condition remains consistent.
If I don’t strike back it is a sign of love that most will never understand. If I don’t strike back it is a sign of commitment most will never understand. If my answer is just radio silence, that is a sign of your value to me even if I no longer wish to cash in on that value.
Today I am hungry.
Tomorrow my child will be hungry.
If we make it to Friday there is some relief from the day to day stressors that compound this situation. It changes not though the shots that have been fired and must be acknowledged.
I see you, and my desire to obliterate you is unwavering.
You and all that you represent, all that you love and all that you touch.
If I don’t pull that trigger just know that it is my love for them which saves you, like my love for Bonnie & Clyde has saved Valerie.
If I do pull the trigger, know that you’ve earned it.
If no other lessons are learned the one to take from this moment is my ability to hate is immense but my ability to love exceeds it. And thank every deity known to humanity for it because it might have just saved a life today.
I don’t need this shit today. I need my family. You’ve taken that from me because I acted on your bitchassness.
I need my family today to get me through these 48 hours and you’ve ripped that from my trembling arms and that will not be forgiven.