The hardest story I’ve ever had to tell was how I fell in love with him. The toughest question I ask myself these days is can I survive number five?
I have no idea if reconciliation number five will manifest. In the cycle of us that G and I have created over the years we’ve known one another this is the part of the game I call radio silence. This is the part where all contact between us ceases and the clock begins to tick – tick – tick.
If history is any indication of what happens next at some point in 2015 our paths will cross again and I will find myself in the position, yet again, to determine if I want to live the life that I have been living without G or if I want to go home.
I’ve never chosen to move on without him. It’s always been his decision or circumstance that altered our path. The universe moving in the way she moves, which I rarely understand, but am now just learning how to ride the waves without falling off the boogie board.
I get bruised and battered by the waves still, but I no longer drown. Progress I suppose.
In his own words from 2006:
Honesty, it is also terrifying. Like public speaking it leaves you vulnerable to scrutiny and judgment. It exposes your weaknesses to those who might exploit them, and it makes you wonder no matter how much you trust someone whether or not they will use the power you give them against you and hurt you with your own honesty.
I’ve never been more honest that I was with him. Even when my words failed me, my honesty leaked through. I had ways of conveying my vulnerability and fear, and in every instance he found a way to overcome both and once overcome what followed is as close to perfection as I’ve experienced.
That is a part of why it is so difficult to let it go. Another part is my disbelief that what was there could ever be replicated with someone else.
I need to not locate a replacement. Yet the comparisons begin almost instantly when on the rare occasion someone piques my interest and hold my attention for more than 30 seconds. No matter what I do to avoid those comparisons they remain, they persist, they haunt, and they taint.
I’ve told myself that in no way shape or form could I walk down the road again. I also said that 4 other times and look what happened.
Even after leaving a courthouse weeping, in thanks and in pain, I went back. It took less than 48 hours for me to fall into old habits. It took less than one month to kneel in front of him – accept my collar – and make what for me felt like a life long commitment.
It would take over one year for me to take that collar off, when every possible attempt to salvage that relationship failed and I was left with no other option.
8 months later I still miss the weight of it on my ankle and at times it still burns because it is missed.
He promised me 36 years we fell 33 short.
My valentine’s is deferred once more.
What are your plans for Valentine’s 2014?