: ravenous <a rapacious appetite>
— ra·pa·cious·ly adverb
— ra·pa·cious·ness noun
[“Rapacious.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 7 Feb. 2014. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rapacious>.]
This is not an English lesson.
This is the description of a mood, a feeling, a presence that has me restless these days.
I don’t get this way often any longer. For the better part of my single existence I manage this segment of myself so that I can move through life undetected.
When the fire starts I douse it swiftly because I understand that it feeds on itself and can leave a path of utter destruction in its wake.
I fed the fire once, one night in Atlantic City. I paced back and forth in my suite. My face flushed, my teeth bared and I howled at the moon I could not see. I placed a phone call and my prey arrived. One man. One woman. Three hours later they were spent. I was still pacing. I hit the poker table that night as well and walked away with $1,000 richer than when I sat down. Still I paced. Unsatisfied. Unfilled. When I returned home a day later the feeding continued. Names and faces flooded my abode, my hunger unsatisfied no matter what we did. We did a lot. We did it often. I never did get full, my thirst never stopped but my mouth was no longer dry so I stopped.
I stopped with great difficulty, but I stopped.
I fed the fire another night. It hit me at a cook out and it was hotter than the coals that seared the meat. By 2 am there were three of them. By 6 am my three male companions were drained and exhausted. I paced. By 9 am they were gone and 3 more were in their place. By noon they were incredulous that I demanded more. I did not choose to stop that time. I was quieted by the look of fear on their faces.
I took that fear and used it as a reason to stop. I was much younger then. Your fear today will spur me on. It will make me more powerful and you even more vulnerable. I welcome your fear in the same way I welcome your tears.
I am in one of those moods now. I am single minded in my focus of what I desire, yet unable to act on my urges today, or tomorrow or the day after.
Predator on the hunt is one way to describe it, yet I like this particular word. Tonight I am greedy beyond measure and if given the opportunity I would burn this bitch to the ground.
In my history there is one who’s been able to meet my intensity when I get this way.
Aside from that one it takes many, several, countless to settle me to the point that I can calm down again and walk among you undetected.
The object of my affection today, and tomorrow and the day after might fear me in my natural state. I fear for them if I cannot settle this down some before we meet.
I do not wish them to fear me, rather I want to infect them with my primal need so they can go out and hunt their own.
I want to teach the world to howl, in the same way that I howl so that I am not alone in my need and greed.
If you see me coming, do you dare to join me on my mission?
I want to feed.