I get fussed at a lot these days. Shit, historically I’ve been fussed at, and I’ve earned each and every one. I’m not a bad person. I can be scatterbrained, self centered, but overall the lectures that I’ve been getting lately are about rule number one.
Protect the property.
It’s the first rule of engagement in my world. Protect the property for Master. Protect the property while you are looking for Master. Protect the property so that you can serve Master. Protect – period.
I can do it, I just don’t always outside of the confines of a relationship.
For as long as I can remember I’ve worked for the pleasure of others. I almost never work for the pleasure of self. My ability to protect me, the property has been connected to who I needed to serve. Without someone who needed me, without someone who wanted me, self preservation suffered. It’s the least healthy thing I can do, but its what I’ve done.
The past few months though have me thinking there needs to be a better way. A balance if you will of caring for me, even if there is no identifiable ‘somebody’ who needs me to do it. That self care has me looking at changes that need making in my life and wondering if I can make it happen.
It goes beyond the physical. It extends past the mental. It lives in the spiritual, and attaches to my soul.
It means coming out of my hole in the ground from time to time, to be with those who navigate the world. I do that so rarely, that it is uncomfortable. When I do it, people disappoint me or hurt my feelings. Because I hold out for so long when I do step out and ask, it gives folks the opportunity to shit on me. I found that out last week when I tried to call in a favor. I know that bridge is burned, but it doesn’t alter my perception… I asked it didn’t work and once more I am looking only at myself to make things happen. I have to look at the S on my chest and hope that the path ahead holds no rocks from my native planet.
It means making tough choices about my health. I am not a fan of going under the knife, and at this juncture, I can not avoid it. I have to choose to have the big surgery and be incapacitated for months or the little surgery with the knowledge that in 3-5 years [if not sooner] anesthesia will come calling for me again.
It means moving along with my love life. The Man is gone, the stop gap is gone, and I can close myself down or push forward. Pushing forward though means that long winding road that might lead to no where. I am so underwhelmed with the options right now.
I should be thankful there are options, but yeah underwhelmed is the best word at the moment.
It means doubling down and finishing school. It means that I might just have to let February 4 happen. It means so many things that are attached to that date that I welcome and fear at the same time.
Protect the property.
My family lectures me that I need to take better care of myself.
My shrink lectures me that I need to take better care of myself.
My friends, ditto.
I listen. I just don’t feel like I have the energy to start right now though. If not now then maybe tomorrow I whisper, in a world where tomorrow is not promised.
Maybe my first steps are to stop looking to tomorrow, while today awaits me.