The Walking Dead

It is days like today that I realize … well more than usual … that is what I’d become.  With the knowledge that in just a few short days my new look on life and the person who gave it to me will be absent I am not yet sure how to manage.

I remember what it was like to come out of the darkness once.  It was a slower process than this one and I wasn’t quite sure that I would make it.  I’ve spent the bulk of my life as an adult moving towards this moment.  The moment where I am awake, and alive and living as authentically as I can.  The moment where I indulge and accept who I am – what I do – and have no fear or shame about it.

I’ve spent that same time holding onto a commitment that I still  hold someplace, even if I am no longer living it out loud.

I moved from being where I wanted to be, with the person I wanted – to being forced to leave it behind.

That is a pain I wish on no one.  It is one I endured in silence mostly.  On the other side of that pain, or at least on the downhill roll from it, I found myself struggling to understand what was wrong and unsure how to alter it.

Not unlike the last time I found myself forced to put my life back together there was a catalyst.  Someone placed in my presence to show me things could be different, and are different if I simply reached out to those who were there.

My Newark remains one of my best friends in the world today, but then he was my savior in a was jesus never was for me.

Another was placed in my life, this one even better if I am qualifying.

When I questioned BDSM Newark was there.

When I questioned my choice to live in slavery – he was there.

A clear signal that although I’ve spent decades now living just that way for just that one person, this is where I am supposed to be and who I am.

Although I can’t dismiss how necessary that is and how important it is to my life and my future…… I still can’t help but wonder if this is the end.

I crossed a line today that I once said I never would.

And I didn’t when my commitment was honored by the two of us.

I knew I missed it.  I knew I needed it.  Yet I still held out because I am just that loyal and just that determined to live up to what I promised.

I asked AugustThird to take that from me.  He didn’t know the relevance of it to me but I knew and I asked it of him and he agreed.

And it was wonderful. With the added pleasure of getting it done in a nun’s habit [another story for another time] – a girl couldn’t ask for much more.

But I got more.

And as perfect as this has been.  As necessary as it was to my process.  As important as it is to my growth, I still question.

As the winter approaches I know that spring comes after.  That is the nature of the beast.  Seasons change. Yet, my winter and spring seem to be happening simultaneously, and I just don’t know what season comes next.

This association for lack of a better word has been so natural and so many others have been so UNnatural its not a wonder that the knowledge of an abrupt ending would have me sitting and typing and trying to figure it all out.

I knew that it was coming and prepared myself for it.  Yet I still wonder.

And now that I am left here to navigate (or will be) alone yeah its a daunting thought.

My welts are already fading, the braille of today won’t last more than a couple more hours. The freedom of them will last a whole lot longer though.  If I let it.

I don’t know if I will though.  I want to …. but self sabotage used to be a specialty of mine.  I’m just hoping now that its a forgotten talent.

 

 

Aphrodite Brown

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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