It is days like today that I realize … well more than usual … that is what I’d become. With the knowledge that in just a few short days my new look on life and the person who gave it to me will be absent I am not yet sure how to manage.
I remember what it was like to come out of the darkness once. It was a slower process than this one and I wasn’t quite sure that I would make it. I’ve spent the bulk of my life as an adult moving towards this moment. The moment where I am awake, and alive and living as authentically as I can. The moment where I indulge and accept who I am – what I do – and have no fear or shame about it.
I’ve spent that same time holding onto a commitment that I still hold someplace, even if I am no longer living it out loud.
I moved from being where I wanted to be, with the person I wanted – to being forced to leave it behind.
That is a pain I wish on no one. It is one I endured in silence mostly. On the other side of that pain, or at least on the downhill roll from it, I found myself struggling to understand what was wrong and unsure how to alter it.
Not unlike the last time I found myself forced to put my life back together there was a catalyst. Someone placed in my presence to show me things could be different, and are different if I simply reached out to those who were there.
My Newark remains one of my best friends in the world today, but then he was my savior in a was jesus never was for me.
Another was placed in my life, this one even better if I am qualifying.
When I questioned BDSM Newark was there.
When I questioned my choice to live in slavery – he was there.
A clear signal that although I’ve spent decades now living just that way for just that one person, this is where I am supposed to be and who I am.
Although I can’t dismiss how necessary that is and how important it is to my life and my future…… I still can’t help but wonder if this is the end.
I crossed a line today that I once said I never would.
And I didn’t when my commitment was honored by the two of us.
I knew I missed it. I knew I needed it. Yet I still held out because I am just that loyal and just that determined to live up to what I promised.
I asked AugustThird to take that from me. He didn’t know the relevance of it to me but I knew and I asked it of him and he agreed.
And it was wonderful. With the added pleasure of getting it done in a nun’s habit [another story for another time] – a girl couldn’t ask for much more.
But I got more.
And as perfect as this has been. As necessary as it was to my process. As important as it is to my growth, I still question.
As the winter approaches I know that spring comes after. That is the nature of the beast. Seasons change. Yet, my winter and spring seem to be happening simultaneously, and I just don’t know what season comes next.
This association for lack of a better word has been so natural and so many others have been so UNnatural its not a wonder that the knowledge of an abrupt ending would have me sitting and typing and trying to figure it all out.
I knew that it was coming and prepared myself for it. Yet I still wonder.
And now that I am left here to navigate (or will be) alone yeah its a daunting thought.
My welts are already fading, the braille of today won’t last more than a couple more hours. The freedom of them will last a whole lot longer though. If I let it.
I don’t know if I will though. I want to …. but self sabotage used to be a specialty of mine. I’m just hoping now that its a forgotten talent.