There are things in life that you sometimes forget. Your house keys, right after you step outside the door….your wallet when you go to the grocery store. It is normal and natural to forget things over time, including the things you wish to remember the most.
In the chaos of my world I’d forgotten what it was to have an island of retreat. There are places in the world that exist where no one calls me mom – where no floors need mopping – and all that I have to do is arrive.
I’d forgotten how much I missed that, and in relation, how much I need that.
One of the more difficult things asked of me to do while in service is …… nothing. As a child I cared for myself, and later my cousins. As an adult I cared for the citizens of the city at the Police Department, my union members at AFSCME, and eventually my child, finally my mother.
In all of that caring time for me more often than not got left behind. Who has time to paint their fingernails when you have 2 people who cannot cook for themselves but have opposing dietary needs?
I’ve cared for my clients be they in the stylist’s chair or on a caseload. Shit I’ve even cared for the nameless, faceless scores of submissives out there who needed me – or thought that they did.
Again, I didn’t take a lot of time for me.
There would be many a day The Man would come and pick me up, and instead of doing what I thought he needed done, I did….. nothing.
At first frankly it was bothersome.
It troubled me to sit still. It troubled me so much so that I would be tethered at times to prevent me from moving. THAT didn’t bother me at all – except that when bound I felt I was prevented from serving.
It took time to learn that service comes in many forms, and yes sometimes that means allowing yourself to be served.
The Man understood that what is asked of me daily can take a toll on a person. A strong person like myself, still needed time to recover, to regain, and as He once said be re-born.
Many of our days and nights together were like that. Yes there would be times when they were not, but I’d forgotten how many days and nights were. When the focus was on me, my needs, my passions, my relaxation. He was giving to me solace from the storm, and to Him I gave the satisfaction that comes with caring for someone that you love. Now that I understand.
Its a trust and connection between two people that allows those roles to be surface reversed when the reality is one is still in charge and one still follows. It takes a special understanding to relax enough to exist in that moment without tilting the cart.
I’d forgotten that until I was gifted with its presence again. I’d forgotten how much I missed it as well.
I’d also forgotten how loud the roar of the lion is or can be. And the look on his face when he is pleased.
I don’t have to recall those things today from that far in the past, and I have new memories to walk me into my future.
In the meantime I will tie a string around my finger so that I do not forget.