I recall when I first joined Fetlife. I was so fucking confused it was ridiculous. It was through the fortune of the universe that I did not turn into an abused turned out chick turning tricks for some domi-NOT who saw how to maneuver me into that life.
I am not the same girl thankfully.
Through life and faith I’ve grown so much over the years. I am beyond where I thought I could be and excited because I know that there is so much more to come.
One of the things I still struggle with though is how to remain open for next without holding onto last.
It’s more than The Man. I’ve pretty much accepted that our connection was so unique that to expect it to happen again is fool’s gold.
It’s more to do with how I am moving through life at this moment.
When things ended with Reginald I turned off the submissive part of me. Yes I still lived in that world and I still found a way to have my masochistic needs met but there was a segment of me that quietly said fuck giving of myself like that again. I assumed that Reginald was the proof that I needed that what I had was once in a lifetime and there was no need to look again because this was my lifetime.
I closed off the part of me who needed to serve, and all of the benefits that come with being authentic to me.
The Man came back and everything fell into place and I lived the life that I wanted to without apology or exception. Then The Man was gone.
I didn’t turn off this time I just sat quietly.
In that quiet an opportunity presented itself. More than one actually, but the one I speak of here is the one that matters the most.
When you get into debates about the WHY we do what we do, more often than not the Dominant side of coin will tell you how its all about them. I looked at a conversation just this morning and saw that and shook my head until I was dizzy.
Yes there is a portion of a submissive that serves because it makes YOU happy but frankly you are on the delusional side of life if you don’t realize that submission is all about them – the submissive.
We can fill our need to serve in so many ways that don’t require a relationship. The relationship is simply the most intimate method of that expression. When it comes to the relationship… its all about the bottom side of the coin.
Which brings me back to home base and the beautiful and sad knowledge that the bar has been set so high no one else will be able to make the jump. When combined with my lack of desire to lower the bar I have to wonder if that will make for extended alone time.
I’ve been reminded that there really are people who understand my needs and my wants and are capable of delivering them in spades.
When I need say nothing yet everything is placed in front of me you kind of wonder how often can you hope that you locate that and keep it.
I’ve been appreciated and valued and pampered. I’ve been shown that following direction doesn’t mean my real needs are set aside to manage their real needs. We figured out how to meet each others needs without altering the hierarchy. I didn’t have to wait and show and prove I was worthy – which is not necessarily a bad thing – except I am unsure if being met with that immediate respect and appreciation means I will be less patient when this time ends.
Is it too much to expect that I get this a third time? I dunno.
I see so much of me me me and in this head space I am also me me me – but their me and my me are two different things. I wonder if in today’s climate my ME will be lost.
I walked in prepared to serve I walked out understanding that I did serve even if it was in a different way than I’ve been trained. I will walk in again prepared to serve and new lessons will be taught – making this even MORE difficult for next.Aphrodite Brown