As a woman I am vulnerable. I do not mean that I am vulnerable in ‘female terms’ but that my size, my constitution, my abilities, my existence leaves me vulnerable to life. I am vulnerable to politicians who want to regulate my vagina and uterus. I am vulnerable to those who are bigger and stronger than I who might want to remind me of that. I am vulnerable to the economy, and to the weather. I am rarely vulnerable to those who I value the most.
I don’t think that I wear vulnerability well. Those who’ve tied me up would disagree I am sure, but Aphrodite personally doesn’t like to appear vulnerable.
Now that is something that I will deal with in therapy – the why I feel the need to not appear vulnerable, but it remains at this moment so I will talk about it some here.
In a discussion forum elsewhere someone said: ” I can’t imagine you afraid of anything”. To that I chuckled. How could I not. I am afraid of everything. I am a big pussy. My shadow can take me out on my bad days.
These past two weeks the bad days could have taken hold, but the universe always provides and in this moment it provided a lesson much needed as I struggle with what my life has become in 2013.
It is not a secret that my life has not evolved in the form I’d hoped. One year ago I was in a different place, and thought that a different path was created for me. As it turns out that is not what happened, but I thought it would be different. When things began to turn, and it was a slow turn, I reluctantly turned as well. I turned from the things that I knew were needed and returned to a place that was familiar.
A place of stagnation and darkness that I’d not visited in a very long time. When I saw that place it was so familiar and so comfortable I rushed to embrace it without thinking of the consequences to those around me, and well, to me.
In the past two weeks, without sharing the details, my family has struggled. It was not just me but Bonnie & Clyde and even Onyx the cat. We’ve struggled. Honestly that struggle is not over, there is more to come, but the last two weeks were beyond difficult.
When the obstacles came one on top of the other, I almost asked out loud WHAT THE FUCK ELSE CAN HAPPEN ?!?!?! I did not though, out of fear that the universe would answer. One more thing would have been too much, and the universe understood that.
Nightly as twilight appeared and we all retreated to our respective bedrooms I listened to the sounds of the house. I listened most nights until the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep. I felt useless, and sorry. I felt like I was letting these people who needed me to most down. In a way I did, in a way I am, and that once more is a therapy issue.
What is not an issue for therapy is the lesson of acceptance and love I’ve learned. The lesson I’m still learning about the power of faith and prayer.
During the night I suffered in silence, but during the day Bonnie and Clyde survived. They are more resilient than I give them credit for, and they are more accepting than they possibly should be to me. They love me though, they count on me, they trust me. It was those things that got us through these tough days. Not one of those hard days went by without one or more likely both of them reminding me that I am lovable despite this moment of imperfection and failure.
They took the time in their non verbal ways to say I love you, I support you, I need you, and its okay.
It is not okay (not to me) but they didn’t allow me to wallow in that knowledge. Not one of these hard days went by without them letting me know, that THEY knew I was capable of fixing it. They knew that I was working tirelessly and that it would be okay. They didn’t blame me, they didn’t judge me, and they didn’t hold this against me.
You belong to us and we love you.
They got me through, when I didn’t want to fight to get through anymore. I was tired, and I still am honestly.
Our situation is improved, but not resolved. It was and is an ongoing story. Their love helped me though to make the moves necessary to put the fix in, hopefully for good.
Which is where faith comes in, and my need for it. I got reminded that my faith is a rock that I’ve not always held onto in this storm. That there have been moments when I should have dedicated more to it, and chose instead to live my faith-less life the way I did before I knew better.
I do know better. I can do better. And I am doing better.
Buddhism was my second life saving experience. My first was the pregnancy that delivered Clyde to this world. I wouldn’t say I’ve played with it, but I can say honestly that I’ve not relied on it and lived it the way I know that I can, and should.
A mistake true, but not one that can’t be altered and corrected and learned from.
I chose to not even allow myself to be vulnerable to the Gohonzon, even though it was needed.
may be time to learn to leg go of my armor and allow myself to be pierced.