I’m unique but I am not a unicorn. I suffer from the same doubts and insecurities other women do, in a sense. When a relationship concludes I like many other women wonder what was wrong with me that things didn’t flesh out.
I’ve been fortunate to have two definitive romantic relationships in my adult life, and lots of boyfriends and flings. I have a deep well of experiences to draw on and learn my lessons. That hasn’t stopped me from questioning who I am, and my worth when those definitive relationships concluded.
I asked that ever nagging question WHY. Admittedly for Reginald that WHY didn’t last long, but in the absence of The Man the WHY lingers. In part it lingers because although the separation was a long time coming it didn’t sting any less. In my search for perfection, I’d found it, if only in my own mind.
I spent many days and nights recalling unadulterated joy then experiencing unending pain. Break ups are not simple things when you take them seriously. In 2007, when what I thought would be our last hurrah began to close that WHY haunted me. It haunted me for months, and if I am being honest years.
I took time to mourn, I took time to heal, I took time to learn but the WHY never left my subconscious. No matter what good work I did on me, the WHY still danced in the background and taunted me, until I met Newark.
It was completely by chance, and it was meant to be a break in the fast. To silence the WHY I needed to show myself that the doubts the WHY created in my life were false. That I was not what the WHY told me I was, rather I was better. I certainly did not expect to see Newark twice. I never envisioned that today he would be so valuable to me, and literally my best friend. He was just the answer to the WHY.
He silenced the WHY and from that moment on I was able to move forward. The idea that to get over one man you have to get underneath another man was true for me in that moment. I needed to feel attractive. I needed to feel desired. I needed to be a beast, a goddess and to feed. Newark gave me all of that and more. When I got out of the van and he held my hand as I walked across the ice there was a connection that I rarely get with another human being. There was an immediate understanding that this man was someone I could hold onto, and I did literally and figuratively. There was an immediate chemistry that told me we could simmer and explode over and over again and never lose our respective ingredients.
I did end up seeing Newark again. Then again, and again and again, and in 2013 he is a permanent fixture in my life until I no longer inhale and exhale.
The WHY right now is present if quieter than the WHY of 2007. The WHY is a part of the process, at least for me. The difference in the WHY this time is I do not doubt my womanhood. My 40 year old libido will not allow me to doubt my status as goddess. What I doubt today is my slavery.
I look at my two surrenders and ask myself was I really as committed as I claimed or was I faking it because I wanted those two men at those two times.
My instinct says no. My actions say no. If they are asked and they are honest both Reginald and The Man would tell you I was aggressive in my slavery and committed to my owners with a loyalty that many would envy.
Still the WHY remains because I sit here no longer owned.
Is it possible to do everything right and still end up released? Yes. That still does not silence the WHY.
What will silence the WHY is an experience with someone who inspires those feelings of quiet and surrender, without the attachment of the relationship. I need the relationship, but I must first silence the WHY. The WHY is a hurdle that no one other than myself can or should jump.
I am close to silencing the WHY. I have 2013’s version of Newark close. We will connect, and the WHY will become why. Yet, I still find anxiety in the thought of moving forward. Once the WHY is why, there are truly no other obstacles that would prevent me from seeking that which I crave.
That is still intimidating.
I look forward to silencing the WHY though. Once her never ending screech is silenced I can listen to what else there might be that keeps me from where I want to be most.