The wonderful thing about the journey is not the finish line but all of the beautiful scenery you come across attempting to get there.
I’ve got two years worth of posts here at Vizionz and while I do go back every so often to read an oldie but goodie, I miss a lot.
This post here [ http://www.vizionzfromthebottom.com/2012/05/23/the-principle-of-pleasure/ ]
When I re-read it made me go… wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow
The piece is a simple one, how to train your submissive. I don’t pretend to the be absolute know it all on the topic of BDSM I kind of just share what I’ve learned, what has worked for me, in ways that will hopefully work for the reader.
What I did not expect was that I would run across something that made me say what the fuck was I smoking that day?
So I went back and I read it again and I realized that in my haste to wrap the piece up to not abuse the attention span of my readers I didn’t share all that I could, nor all that I should.
I clearly recall a lengthy debate I got into over at Fetlife . (author’s note – you have to be a member of Fetlife to read the discussion in that link.
I jumped up and down and pounded my chest and got into all kinds of theory about if the silent treatment, or as I called it there, separation is an effective punishment.
Just as sure as I was then that it could be effective, I am sure now that its only effect is the erosion of trust that is needed to maintain these kinds of relationships.
Being honest, I was sure then as well. I based that segment on things that happened during my relationship with Reginald, and well it worked…until it didn’t.
I won’t always share with you how I learned a particular lesson constant reader, sometimes it is like watching sausage being made. I think though that this is one of those times you need to see what goes into the casing.
As my relationship with Reginald grew strained he found himself in the unique position of having a formerly devoted and obedient slave slowly questioning his judgment, his authority, and finding loopholes to get out of undesired activity.
I have a friend who brags about being able to find a loophole, and while that works for him, I could never be that slave — not in a healthy relationship. If I am looking for ways to dodge your directive, what I am actually doing is looking for the exit door. I will not always admit that to myself right away, but the reality is what it is.
As I struggled with my surrender, Reginald struggled with ways to correct my behavior when coming home and choking a bitch out was not an option. If you recall constant reader, Reginald lives in Georgia, I do not.
When he felt the need to get me back in line, one of the methods that he used was to withdraw himself from me. That would include phone calls, texts messages, and emails. Mind you this was different that the other occasion when we were out of contact, this was his explicit notice that my punishment for whatever infraction was that I could not talk to him.
It gave me time to reflect. It gave me time alone with my thoughts. It gave me time to look at the error of my ways.
He would also tell you that it gave me enough time – the last time that he did it – to determine that I did not want to belong to a man who would put a liar, and a skank home wrecker’s crocodile tears ahead of the needs of his slave. It gave me enough time, without his influence to gather the courage to say I am worth more than what you are giving me, and I will tolerate nothing else.
In the other time’s he’d used the silent treatment I was so grateful that my sentence was lifted I ignored how much it harmed me. In the last time that he used it, I looked at what I was getting and decided that it was not right for me.
Since then I’ve made it clear how the silent treatment affects me, and how it will affect my surrender. I’ve made it clear that it inhibits my ability to submit and if I am not submitting, well we are just fucking and if we are just fucking why would I bother submitting?
I didn’t make that clear though in The Principle of Pleasure. I said yeah it can work, and left the rest of it out.
It can work, but it might not work in the manner one designed. I don’t think that Reginald ever intended to erode my trust to the point I would leave. I think he simply wanted the loving and dutiful and compliant woman he’d met back.
The silent treatment ensured that she was never coming back – even though it took months for her to leave and leave for good.
The silent treatment did alter and correct behavior, it simply did not do it in a fashion that would allow me to stay in that relationship.
In that Fetlife discussion I was adamant about the silent treatment not being used in any relationship I am in. I don’t mean the Dominant being so enraged at a behavior that he has to step away for a moment to not react in anger. I do mean using the silent treatment as a punishment for an infraction.
There are slaves out there who will say things like:
“It is not my place to choose the punishment he inflicts. No matter what he determines the punishment is, it is my responsibility to take it because no real and true slave dares question a real and true Master”
I hereby now and forever more call bullshit on that one. Like I said in that Fet discussion … it’s all fun and games until he decides your punishment is to get ass fucked by his wrapped in barbed wire hard on.
It might be the intent of the slave to accept without question, but it is not the reality of the world that there will never be a question. It might be the desire of the slave to have no limits, but sometimes you never know what the limit is until you are faced with it and forced to deal.
Your first duty is always to self. Hopefully you’ve picked a responsible partner, who values you, but your first priority is always to self.
If the silent treatment is harmful to self, it is 100% fine to say so, and if met with resistance, well if it means ending service, that is 100% fine as well. Any Dominant or Master who tells you that he/she is CLOSED to the option of discussion about why you feel something is harmful is someone who you do not need to be with – period.
Read what I said again. The option of discussion. That does not mean you will not at times have to endure something you dislike.
What it means is that the door of communication is open.
There is no communication if one of you is silent.