On occasion I look back at prior journal entries. I try not to live in the past, but it makes sense, to me at least, to look at my head space at a certain point in time, and then compare it to my head space now.
It helps me to understand if I am making progress or falling into old habits or learning the lessons that I need to learn to be the best me that can possibly exist.
Looking at where I was 2 years ago, and seeing where I am right now, I understand that the occasional look back is not the worst thing in the world.
On this very day in fact two years ago, I was put to the test in a way that was more severe than anything else that had come in contact with my relationship. (the universe would later out do herself – but at that point in time it was the biggest)
I don’t know that I talked about it much here, I do know I am not going to get into many details now.
I will simply say that I found out that someone I loved like a sister chose to lie to me, I found out that in her anger at my actions caused her to go on a smear campaign against me, and I found out that I could withstand the storm that tried to rip Master from my arms.
I found out that I was strong enough to hold on, especially when I was being held as well.
I don’t want to make it sound simple… it fucking was not. I still have moments of anger that I am sure would be rage had I ever seen with my own eyes what was written.
Then I was hurt and confused and kind of lost actually. All of my systems were knocked off-line, and rebooting seemed to be impossible.
Two years later, all attempts I made to restore that friendship failed. Sometimes the universe knows better what is good for you, and this seems to be one of those instances.
I used to look in on her from time to time, and I still smiled at her triumphs and cried at her setbacks. Until the time came that I realized how futile it was, and that I was holding onto something that was going to be toxic to me.
I couldn’t accept that what I thought was a valuable friendship was just smoke and mirrors. What else could it have been though? Two years later one relationship stands the other does not.
Ironically something else came out of that turbulent time, that I didn’t expect would ever make a difference. Turns out that it did/does.
As Fetlife was all a flurry of messages that no one ever saw fit to share with me, my request that someone share with me what they knew was denied. I can not fault her for that, she got a directive, and I would never, ever tell her to disobey. I found the conditions imposed on how information that could have an impact (if it were true – and if it were verifiable) on my relationship unacceptable. I have never given up my desire to know — I simply never moved on it because what was asked of me, to get that information was not something I was willing to do, and not something that I will ever be willing to do.
That didn’t matter until about 3 weeks ago, when for the second time, it was implied that there was information out there, that could impact my relationship, and for the second time it was withheld.
It troubles me that this has happened, but there is nothing I am willing to do about it besides chant about it, and continue with the progress I’ve been making here at home.
Two years ago I had to learn that just because you love someone, it does not mean that they will not harm you. It might not even be intentional, but it can happen.
Today I have to learn that sometimes people do what they think is best for you, and to not fault them for those choices.
What remains a life lesson, that I am still struggling with, is how to surround myself with transparent people who truly understand that withholding from me is losing me.
Or maybe the lesson is to choose better people who value me enough not to risk losing me at all.