I Love You, But……

I love me more.

When my email pings and it is another woman, with another question, because she thinks I have the answers, well I kind of do….kind of.

 

I love me more.

 

It’s not your heart that makes you stay in a relationship that is harming you.  It is your ego, it is your pride, it is your self-doubt, it is your thirsty vagina, it is your societal conditioning, it is all of the things about you that you’ve been taught are not lovable and makes you think that you deserve what you are trying so hard to live through.

Your heart doesn’t want what you are putting it through…stop blaming your heart.

I know what it is like to be in a relationship where you’ve given all that you have within you to give and your reward is a cheating partner, or a partner who spends the rent money at the casino, or a partner who hits you.  Pick the poison and I know it.  Not just from experience, even though my experience is vast, I know this like I know everything else, I pay attention and I like to learn.

 

I know it like I know everything else, people talk to me.

There really is only one way to break the cycle, and that is by changing you.

I don’t mean going on a diet, or buying a wig, or selecting a new lipstick.   None of that is going to change you – where you NEED to be changed.

You don’t have to be in pain.

I’ve spoken about The Ex, and if you’ve been paying attention you know something else that I’ve never quite said out loud.  The ups and downs of that relationship were all on me.  I do not mean that it was my fault, or that I was the reason for his choices, what I mean is that I didn’t get anything that I didn’t ask for, because I asked for him.

Over

and

Over

and

Over

again.

I sat in silence, experiencing disenfranchised grief, because after the second time those who loved me the most, refused to accept my choice to return.

It was doubly painful then when we ended up in court that last time.

Triply maybe.

I was in pain from losing the man who I loved so much, who I gave credit to saving my life and making me a better person, and that pain was equaled only by the fact that there was no one I could share that pain with.

I know a woman, someone who I no longer talk to because I can’t share her pain.  We had a mentor/mentee relationship until the day that I told her….I will not help you find a man.  I explained that finding a man was not her problem, rather it was that she needed to find herself.

She said that she was too busy to be mentored, and I chuckled.  She was too busy to change herself, and I understood that.  My life changes were not simple, the ones still ahead of me shall not be simple either.  In all honesty I might never have made them, if I hadn’t met a good friend who through the example of her life showed me that there was a different way that I can live.

I still fall back into old habits sometimes, and that is how I know that I know you.

That I know the reasons why you stay:

He pays the rent

I’m too old/fat/too many kids/too much other baggage to find anyone else

He made me cum! (that one is really the hardest of them all if you ask me – and why I keep writing about women’s sexuality)

Well maybe I should have said I know the reasons why you tell yourself that you stay.

It’s difficult to hear that you do not love yourself.

That would mean that you have to face the truth that there is something that you can do, and you KNOW it, but you are not doing it.

Maybe today, after you read this you can get up, and go look yourself in the mirror and say: I love you.  Then maybe you can keep saying that to yourself every day.  It is a start. What are you waiting for?

 

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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