I knew it was going to happen, and accidental viewing, I didn’t know that I would watch and be shocked. Love & Hip Hop has taken the summer off from North Jersey and headed south to the ATL. The show gathers a bunch of people I know nothing about, and with the one exception of Stevie J, would have been okay never knowing about.
Stevie J is a music producer and from what has been seen thus far on LAHHA is not a terribly nice man. As I listened, and then watched the end of episode 3, it clicked for me, that Stevie J. is the visual application of my domestic violence training.
You do not have to be a woman beater – Chris Brown – to be abusive.
The chart below shows how an abusive personality can manipulate you and secure their power over you. Abuse is not the lifestyle that I speak of when it comes to D/M/s and BDSM. Hell I can not even say to a degree of certainty that Stevie J. is abusive…I can simply say that I saw this and more in episode 3 and it sickened me.
- Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
- Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
- Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
- Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
- Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.
- Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
In training we were taught to ask questions like:
Does your partner:
- humiliate or yell at you?
- criticize you and put you down?
- treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
- ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
- blame you for their own abusive behavior?
- see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
When Stevie J. is running around Atlanta doing all of the above and more to both of the women he is sleeping with, again, on the show at least, he is demonstrating how a man can abuse a woman without her looking like this:
“You’ll never be finished talking to me”
“I’ve got papers on you for the rest of your life”
“I’ll send you back to the strip club”
” I gave you your life”
These were just a few of the things that he said to Joseline when she revealed her pregnancy to Mimi Stevie’s girlfriend.
In between those threats he told her how nice she looked, but not before he threw a drink at her.
I’ve joked here calling Joseline Rhianna-man, but I have to assume until proven otherwise that she is a female. She tells a story of having run away from home @ age 12. Is the story true? Fuck if I know. It would not be the first time that a back story was created for an artist that was a falsehood, but I am inclined to think it is true.
The thing about an abusive partner is that they won’t seek out an emotionally stable or well put together woman. They are too hard to break and control.
Abusers choose women with issues, severe issues with abandonment, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and use that “weakness” to their advantage. His former, the rapper Eve fits that profile, as would the current Joseline. I suspect that if you dug into the background of all his previous women, you would find similar issues.
I watched with horror as the show continued and waited patiently for a domestic abuse hotline number to appear before the end credits, yet none did.
So I will do what Mona Scott Young didn’t do:
If you believe that you or someone who you love is the victim of intimate partner (domestic) abuse there are places that you can go for help:
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224