Pop Quiz….try to describe something – an emotion – without using the opposite of what it is.
Can you define happy if there is no sad to use as comparison? How do you know what happy is unless you – or someone who can describe it to you – has been sad?
Tonight, well last night, June 22, 2012 evil lost and there is joy to be found in that. It got me to thinking though what the opposite of evil is, and I wonder….if it is love.
Gerry Sandusky the former Penn State assistant coach who went to trial after allegations of pedophilia hit the media was found guilty on that date. He was charged with 48 different crimes, he was convicted of 45. The minimum sentence for those crimes is 60 years of incarceration. His bail was revoked and he was taken into custody. Gerry Sandusky will never be alone with a child again in his life.
As I waited to hear the verdict, I was in a text message exchange with The Man.
I was talking to love as evil was being sentenced. There seemed to be a bit of poetic justice to that fact until the conversation with us continued.
I’ve known the man essentially all of my adult life. I was essentially a baby when we met. Those early 20’s seem like ancient history these days. The two of us that met by what some would call chance, I now call divinity. He was always supposed to be in my life.
I could not be writing here and now if it were not for Him. That is the impact he made on my life, I would be something and someone without Him, I simply would not be this person that I am now. In a life, this life of mine that has delivered so many doubts along the way, I have no doubt that he altered me in the best way possible and he is instrumental in making me the woman you’ve gotten to know here at Vizionz from the Bottom.
In October of 2010, when I got that message from Him I almost turned away. I was fearful of starting over. I was terrified of being hurt. I shook with anxiety of the thought t hat I could once again fall in love with this man, and that he would once again leave me and that I would once again struggle to put back together a life that did not include him but needed to go on anyhow.
I fought it and I won! for all of about 2 hours (if that…I think I am being generous about that).
It appeared on my Blackberry first. The message indicator lit up, and as I read the words, my heart stopped beating for a moment. I didn’t know what the message would say, I would have to log into the website to know, but it was crystal clear who the message was from and as He always has, even through cyber space….He took my breath away.
I raced to the MAC and read the message at once, it contained only 6 words. I read those words, and then I promptly fell on my bedroom floor. Out of the chair and onto the floor. BOOM!
I stared at the screen as I reached for my phone to call my friend Saki. I told her what was going on and in typical Saki fashion (she hates that word *smile*) she reminded me of all of the reasons why I needed to ignore the message, delete my account at that website, and locate some brain bleach and forget that I’d ever seen the message.
I agreed!!!!! and I hung up from her and got back in my chair, and then I called someone who would tell me – I thought – what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to tell me, like Pat had told me so many, many, years ago stop being stupid and talk to the man. I called a woman that I used to call friend, Waffles.
I didn’t know that in less than 2 months we would no longer be friends, I simply knew right then and right there, she was like a sister to me, and she would speak from her heart, not her head like Saki.
Praise Mandisa, even she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. I cried in her ear and she literally said I can’t tell you what to do Nic. With friends like them…..
I did respond. Oh yes I did. I wanted to tell him that I hated him, that he’d ruined my life, that I was appalled that he thought I would get over the last time that I saw him…and instead I wrote:
How would you like me to behave?
So much for having a fucking backbone. So much for learning from my mistakes.
If I use every word in Webster’s Dictionary I will never be able to properly explain to you constant reader the connection I’ve always felt to Him.
That message was on October 18, 2010. By my birthday, October 20, I’d slipped into calling him the only thing I’d been able to call him for years: Daddy. Yep, it was a wrap.
The incident with Waffles that happened close to Thanksgiving almost broke us. It really did. Her and I were at odds (when we never had to be) -He and I were struggling – people from Fetlife kept interjecting and on more than one occasion I thought I would throw in the towel, avoid the pain and chalk it all up to lust.
Instead, I didn’t stop myself from feeling what I was feeling, and I did not allow myself to run from adversity. I trusted in the commitment that we’d made, and I talked to him, and yes it took some time, but we got through it.
Then I was uber complete. I know that is not a phrase but it describes who I was. On October 17, 2010 I was a complete person, on October 19, 2010 I was enhanced.
No other relationship I’ve ever had made me as happy as my relationship with The Man, and I’ve been pretty fucking happy in the past.
Until something changes I can not share the details, and depending on what changes I may never share the details.
As justice was delivered to the Sandusky victims, I sat in the middle of the biggest miscarriage of justice I’ve ever seen, and ever been a part of, and I suspect will be that way forever.
I was reminded of just how much I love The Man, and I thought, the opposite of evil is love.
Love is eternal, and limitless.
Love is not like hope.
At some point hope leaves, but love never does.
I don’t know what to say, or do, other than chant. I am not yet (nor will I ever be) prepared for the results of this current path.
I just hope that I am right about love never leaving. I could not bear to lose that along with everything else.