It’s been my experience in my alternative lifestyle that those who seek out BDSM are not like everyone else.
Well gee Nicole thank you for stating the obvious! I am and I am not exactly.
Since stepping out of my bedroom walls with my kink I’ve met brilliant people – damaged people – and the combination that sets my heart a flutter the most, what I call the brilliantly damaged.
Many of the Dominant men that I have met are incredibly successful. Success does not = wealthy although in some cases it does. Success is something that goes beyond having lots of money in your bank account. The submissive women that I’ve met tend to be what most would call over achievers. The one thing that has remained constant, for me, no matter how one fits (or does not) in the mold of a traditional Dominant or submissive, the constant is that they are easy to spot.
It’s kind of like going to a high school with 1000 students and there are 2 Black students in the whole student body, you stand out.
What draws each individual to this life is unique to them, yet it doesn’t prevent one from being able to spot them in the crowd.
In 2012 with the internet and all if its bells and whistles, it is simpler for us to find one another, but in say 1980 before there was high speed internet for the house, it was part of how we located one another.
We stand out.
The thing about standing out is that you can’t exactly hide within the crowd for better or worse.
A man that I dated in my 20’s said: I knew you were a masochist by the clinical way that you talked about sex.
I was a bit stunned at that statement, but I realized then that I was accurate. I did speak about sex in a clinical fashion, and at times I still do.
At that point in my existence, I had not yet begun to explore the world of BDSM and my kink was essentially my abnormal enthusiasm when it came to sucking dick. Mind you I never thought that it was abnormal but the partners that I had at the time seemed surprised that there was a woman out there that was happy to do it, that was not on their television screen and in their VCRs.
When I would have the occasion to talk about sex waaaaaaaay back then, it wasn’t sexual for me it was more, of a step by step instruction manual on how to get me off. It would take years before I learned how to soften and finesse the technique, but back then it didn’t exactly matter. My partners were so excited that there as a woman who could use the word pussy in a sentence that all of the other details that surrounded the word pussy did not matter.
Today when I am talking about sex to others, I am still kind of clinical. Unless I am giving you the lecture about how it is NOT appropriate or acceptable for a woman to not have an orgasm during sex. I tend to be very matter of fact, and very specific in my discussions, unless I am talking to my current partner. What he gets is something all together different.
It was my association with the ex that began to teach me how to soften my words, but in all actuality, it is the lust within me that the other person brings out that ability to take off my technical hat and put on the not at all technical dirty speak.
That comes in part from the intimacy that this life and this type of sex life creates.
I get talked to a lot, by people who assume that my views on sex (non monogamy – bisexuality and other stuff) means that I have no connection or intimacy with my partners. That is absolutely not the case, in fact it is something totally different.
Although I have the ability to have sex with someone I am not in love with and still have a totally mind blowing experience, that does not mean that sex with the one I love lacks intimacy.
There is a special connection to my partner, that does nothing to prevent orgasms with other partners. When I am involved in a power exchange relationship though, the connection is deeper than most will see in their lifetimes.
The intimacy comes from shedding all of the layers one creates to move about in this world. Again, people like me don’t blend, so we develop camouflage to not be so obvious. Within the confines of a power exchange relationship, those layers of outer shell can and are shed away so that one is naked to their partner. There are marriages that exist where there is no transparency, yet I have that within my relationship.
The intimacy comes with the amount of trust that it takes to allow someone to inflict pain on you, and you not fear the outcome of that pain.
If I came at you with a cane in hand, and said allow me to hit you, your first instinct would be to tell me no. My partner can pull out a cane and do many many things and the words no do not leave my mouth.
My partner can come to me with a violet wand and tell me that they are turning it up to level 10 and then will run it across my body, again the word no does not enter into the equation. I trust my partner in BDSM to hurt me in a manner that will not scar or injure me. That is absolute intimacy, and if for some reason you doubt that, ask the person next to you on the bus to choke you and then if they do trust them to stop before you black out – or worse.
My clinical approach to sex and things sex-like comes from a place within me that understands most people can not touch me in a place that will move me…I need more than your average bear.
It takes a more intimate connection to touch that segment of me that responds in that way.
The things that get me off require more than knowledge and more than simple practiced technique. One can learn how to swing a flogger and not damage a kidney, and while that will make me feel good, it won’t take me there. What gets me off is the mind fuck – the role play – and yes even the humiliation. I get to go there, that place that many of you fear, and it is that intimate connection with my partner that brings me back.
An orgasm is kind of clinical for me. If you touch my body in xyz way it will respond. A girl should not be without them, but I need more than an orgasm (or 30). I need to know that I can trust you with everything, that you will not judge me for it, and that you will always push me to see where the edge of the cliff is, then not drop me.
That is deeper than a wedding ring folks. A wedding ring means I pick you forever and you get my pension. The type of edge play that I need to be less than clinical means I trust you with my sanity and that you will know what to do with it. Forever is a mighty long time, but forever does not mean you are connected and intimate, sometimes it just means that you are waiting it out.
The choice for me was did I want to live my life being clinical or did I want to feel and be more than most people could give me, or did I want to be less than clinical.
My decision that I wanted something deeper in life, led me to the point I am at now. It is how I can talk about things like being non monogamous and not feel like I am foresaking my heritage. I’ve got something better – or better for me at least.
When you let go of all that society has taught you and embrace what will actually work for you…it is a beautiful thing.