I think that is the problem with me today.
I may be wrong but I suspect that I am not.
I am 100% positive that there is some PMS tossed into this as well, but still some of this is misplaced.
As I get back on the weight loss path, I appear to be angrier and angrier that I have to do it.
I also get angrier and angrier about the people who make it a way of life for women who don’t have to do it.
It took the better part of 39 years for me to understand that there was nothing wrong with me, and then out of no where there was. I stopped trying to be what society told me that I should be, I started being who I was, and then the universe said you must change.
What the fuck type of bullshit is that?
I share the painful parts of the weight loss journey on my Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/vizionzfromthebottom
Right, like I needed yet ANOTHER place to vomit my thoughts out on the world.
Well I did…..kind of.
The Tumblr idea was one that I toyed about with for some time. I didn’t jump onto it though because there was nothing exceptional in my life that needed addressing that I could not do at the other locations I write. Then after a rather long rant about how Tyler Perry bunches my underwear it clicked that there actually was something that I could do.
I would not reach as many folk as Tyler Perry, but I had an alternative to the drivel being shoved at Black women, and women in general.
I don’t think that I realized until oh about 10 minutes ago, that I would reach as few people as I actually do.
I learned early on in this online write about it and look at me I am fabulous thing I started a year ago that the number of followers has no bearing on who actually reads what I write.
I get close to 2,000 people per day who pop in here to see what I’ve shared, and that is with 4 “official” followers here and 23 “official” followers on FaceBook. No matter what the numbers say, people read.
I still have not gotten past 2 followers on Tumblr though. I am also not sure if I will and that is the biggest source of misplaced emotions…that what is most relevant and useful to the world today is going to be the least viewed of the eventual Vizionz empire.
The Vizionz tumblr is where the rubber hits the road…in between me rebloging something that I found interesting. It is the most vulnerable and the most raw of anything that I write because it is the thing that bothers me the absolute most:
Why how I look is so unacceptable to the general population?
It’s more though about how society treats those who look like me – than it is me. I’ve not given a fuck about the general population in such a long time that I had to look up how to spell general population.
I love who I am..what I look like, and would have been perfectly happy to never change one damned thing…if not for Simvastatin…..
I know that I am smart, and witty, and beautiful, and desirable…no matter how much Hollywood tells me that Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston should be what I aspire to be as a woman.
But so many of my sister friends do not see themselves in the same way.
I’m not talking about women like me who HAVE to lose weight for health reasons – even though there are those who argue that being overweight IS a health issue. I mean women who are yo-yo dieting, and pushing themselves to look a certain way because they do not think they are beautiful otherwise.
There are lots of us out here who say things like I am fat & beautiful, yet so few of us mean it.
If you look at the women around you there are fake nails, and fake eyelashes, and liposuction, and botox, and breast enhancements, and gastric bypass, and spanx, and collagen injections and hair dye, and billions upon billions of dollars of products that reminds women…you are not beautiful.
That is what gets me angry.
That this society says it is okay to tell a woman that she is not beautiful and then accept her money to make her beautiful.
It’s not wonder our women have complexes and formerly beautiful women like Kimberly Jones:
|Lil Kim…although even in this picture she’s already at least had rhinoplasty|
She looks nothing like her “old self”, which was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination. She felt ugly though, that is the only reason that explains eradicating all traces of the woman you used to be, and turning into this:
When once upon a time you looked like this:
|I hate using a mug shot but it is QUITE difficult to find a picture of Kim before she had any work done|
That right there is self hatred folks, and it is is fertilized every time we mock our daughters. Tell them that their hair is not straight. Tell them they are too dark. Tell them that they are too fat. That their big ass is too big or their flat ass is too flat.
I popped into twitter for about 60 seconds today to find the time line making fun of a girl taking an ass shot.
First we should be checking our daughters so that they understand random ass shots are not what success is made of if your name is not Jenna Jameson. But the slander of this girl, because her ass didn’t look like this:
How on earth is it okay to keep doing this to our daughters?
It is not, nor is it okay in any alternate universe.
Simply because a woman does not conform to your ideal of what you desire physically does not make her ugly, or deserving of your ridicule.
What was most painful to see what the slander flowing just as freely from the women as it came from the men.
Women who at some point and time in their lives were ridiculed for something on their bodies, that did not meet some impossible standard, yet thought it was okay to do it to someone else.
When I left Fetlife it was because I finally felt like I was spinning my wheels and not making progress.
I have to make progress on this though.
Our daughters deserve it.