The 45 Second Horror Movie

I do not watch a lot of television but I do enjoy movies.  If I have a favorite type it would be horror movies.  I like the scare – the adrenaline – the what if factors of horror.
Supernatural horror doesn’t necessarily get to me.  Although the stairs from the Exorcist still creep me out

possessions, and other movies of that type don’t frighten me.

Vampires do not frighten me.  Perhaps they should but I saw Twilight, and from what I understand in True Blood the vampires don’t feed on people either. Once upon a time the idea of being face to face with a vampire should frighten you.  With Edward and the rest of the Cullens you just think that you need sunglasses.

Michael Myers used to be frightening…that was until you could not kill him.  There is no such thing as an immortal so there went the fear factor.  What was kind of cool about the Halloween movies was there there were always boobs to be found….and well….I like boobs.

Jason Vorhees same thing.  You can’t live in a lake come back two movies later with a hockey mask on and then 10 movies later be regenerated in space.  Well I suppose that you can, just do not expect me to be afraid of you.  I know the LOGIC is that I should fear you, but you do not exist so I do not.

Freddy Kruger was something all together different though.  I used to be afraid of Freddy.  Wes Craven is the man like that.   You really truly should fear something that you can not escape.  The idea that he kills you when you are sleeping…scary.  He lost his mojo for me in the second movie though when he decided that he would inhabit the body of that kid.  Possession….doesn’t happen no longer afraid.

Zombie movies are borderline for me.  I don’t believe in the walking dead…but I do think that somewhere in a lab there is something like the rage virus…or even Captain Trips out there waiting for some lab rat to get into the ventilation system.

I do not fear a George Romero zombie.  I know that George’s theory is that the inevitability of the slow zombies is more frightening than the 21st century fast zombies, but not me.  I don’t fear shit what I can out run.  If there are 2000 of you and you move like a George Romero zombie I have time to figure out how to get away from you because even if I stand still….it will take you 20 minutes to get to me.

Fast zombies?  I just need to hole up until The Man gets to me.  That’s what you call love when they come to look for you when the zombie apocalypse comes.

Zombies are maybe scary. Fear not though.  If I am in charge there is no 28 Weeks Later…I am burning Britain and Ireland to the motherfucking ground.

Aliens?  Not scary.  I am not convinced that we are “alone” in the universe…but if we are not?  I am not sure that what Earth has in the form of people is useful to a different alien race.  I figure I will be food, or slave regardless….no need to fear I know what will happen.

Those are all of the things that don’t scare me…so why do I watch horror movies?  Well they are funny as shit.  I am not the first Black person to comment that  Black people just don’t do certain shit which is why we are not in horror movies, and if we were?  We would live.

We don’t do haunted houses.  If we walk into a house and the walls start bleeding we walk back out.

The Blair Witch will not get the chance to put my hands against the wall, because I will not be out in the woods – filming – a movie about witches.  You don’t get lost on asphalt.

Something like Red State would not happen to me.  It’s not that I’ve not done stupid things to get laid…I sure have.  What I don’t do is put myself in positions that will get me killed.  I grew up in a city where Gary Heidnick lived…

I watch horror movies because I find them funny.
There are horror “rules” as explained in the Scream movies….I have a couple of my own.

1. Do not go into the fucking woods.  Nothing good can come from going into the woods.  The UniBomber?  Lived in the woods.  Deliverance?  Woods.  Bambi?  Got murked in the woods.  Shit Dick Cheney shot his friend in the woods.  Don’t go into the woods and your chances for living increase exponentially.

2.  Leave the children behind.  Yes in movies it is all noble and shit to save the 6 year old crying girl from the big bad monster, but that shit is gonna get you killed.  Keep anyone who is of childbearing age and fuck the kids.  They slow you down, they cry, they are never quiet.  The kid will get you killed.  Shit I say toss the kid AT the monster.   It will buy you more time to run.

3.  If you battle the monster and you appear to have won. Decapitate the motherfucker.  No seriously.  How many times have we seen the evil doer come back for a last gasp, or someone who thought they killed them end up dead because the 23 shots to the chest somehow did not kill the bad guy.  Unless it is the headless horseman…the bad guy will have trouble killing you with no head.  If it is the headless horseman, he is in the woods…see rule number one.

4.  Stay the fuck out of the bathroom.  The bathroom is a sure place to die.  You are the least safe in your bathroom.  Piss yourself.

5.  Don’t look for shit except the nearest exit.  If you are trying to make some Chunky Clam Chowder and you turn to your table and see the chairs have magically formed a triangle on top of your table get the fuck out of the house and leave the kid See rule #2.  If you hear noises upstairs, and you are alone in the house…get the fuck out of the house. It is not Joe playing a trick on you.  If your boyfriend goes to take a piss and is gone for 20 minutes…get the fuck out of the house.  Don’t look for him…there are 7 billion people on the planet, you can get another boyfriend.

6. If you think there is a chance that someone MIGHT be infected assume that they are and murk them.  I don’t care if it is your mother.  She lived a good life.

I could never be in a horror movie.  Well first because I am a terrible actress, I have one facial expression.  Second, the horror movie would last 45 seconds because I would see this shit coming and get the fuck out of dodge.  I’m not sitting by to see who wins the Godzilla/Mothra fight I am hopping in the Bronco and staying on the interstate.

So after all those helpful hints I am now gonna have some couch time and watch Quarantine 2: Terminal.  The virus is apparently out of the apartment complex and on a plane.   If it were me?  I’d be using my seat as a flotation device…but I suspect that won’t happen in this movie.

About Aphrodite Brown

Aphrodite Brown is the owner and creator of Vizionz from the Bottom. Vizionz is a life and culture blog covering all aspects of life from pop culture, to politics, to parenting, with an extra heavy dose of alternative lifestyle & sex positive living.
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