It is almost September.
The midget Dominant will be returning to school, the temperature will be dropping and the greenery will be closing up shop for the winter.
I did a lot this summer, and I still have quite a long way ahead of me.
August was a tough month for me, I fell behind in school work. My schooling is complicated and I can not go into extensive details, but by the end of last week I was sweating blood I was working so hard.
I fell behind for little other reason than, I knew I could do it.
When I first started this particular block of classes, I was afraid. What if I’m not smart enough? What if I can’t grasp the concepts? What if my words fail me?
I should know by now that my words never fail me, but I was fearful regardless. Then the 6 weeks went by, and I looked up and I had two A’s.
It no longer had the same appeal after that. Then came surgery. Then came some things here @ home that made me want to holler..and I sometimes did. Through it all my one constant was The Man, who waited until classes were over to have a discussion with me.
Ya see….He thinks that I am brilliant (shhhhhh don’t tell Him otherwise)
He thinks that there is nothing that I can not do, and that is only because we were not together during my math classes.
When I told Him the grades that I got in the first block of classes he was not surprised at all. I expected a pay on the back, and was informed that you don’t get special treatment when you’ve done nothing special. Someone with my brain SHOULD get those grades, and well there were other factors involved as well.
He was proud of me…but I’d also done something that was expected.
I pouted some about that….I think there should be a ticker tape parade waiting for me every time I walk out of the house because I am that fucking special. I also understood his reasons though, and that is what troubled me the most.
If I can understand it I can accept it and if I accept it then it can become permanent. I was unsure if I wanted to start living where the grand marshall didn’t two step on my over grown lawn and say top of the day to ya!
I am there though, someplace else that I never thought that I would be.
These 3 classes were the devil. They were the devil because I waited until the last two weeks of class to do 6 weeks of work. Not just some reggie old work either…these are accelerated courses.
I just kept blowing it off because I KNEW that I could do it. I didn’t have anything else to prove to myself…I’ve got this I said. And I did….I knocked each and every assignment out of the park like Betty White was tossing fast balls.
My delayed assignments though took a toll on me.
I didn’t sleep as I needed to, I didn’t eat as I needed to. I didn’t spend the time with the family that I needed to in the amounts THEY needed. Then shit started happening here at the house.
Like the hot water tank committing suicide
Like the stalker woman who won’t leave me alone
and a couple other things I will keep under my hat for now.
The Man was quiet those two weeks, and although I did not allow my pile of work to interfere with out time together, it was still present.
When we discussed the next classes that start Monday (yeppers I get a whole week off!!) some alterations were made to my plan of action.
I now have to do things like share my syllabus, and cc emails. *blind cc of course*
I expressed my opinion that it was not necessary….I’ve got this….and well apparently I do not.
He said: (paraphrasing)
I don’t ever want to see you like you’ve been for the past two weeks. It is unnecessary, and I won’t have it. You’ve bed time was ignored almost every night, you were exhausted during the day, your legs and back hurt from sitting at the computer. You didn’t blow me off to get the work done, that is noted, but you were not fully present…you mind was stuck in a power point presentaiton when it should have been on me. Our agreement about your workouts had to be put on hold, and you were cranky and irritable most days.
I could not debate that. I do not debate Him, but even if I did…that was not something I had a come back for. He was right….like he is always right.
Rule number one is protect the property, rule number two is obey.
That speaks volumes about The Man.
I mentioned that He has a lot of things going on right now…and then came the mule kick to the stomach.
Yes I do….but you’ve shown that I can not trust you with this so now you’ve added to my responsibilities.
It was right about then that my tear ducts began to malfunction.
He’s allowed me to take these classes (YES ALLOWED…if you have questions about that it’s another blog entry) with certain conditions. I did not exactly violate those conditions, but I sure as hell pushed that limit right to the edge of the cliff. So close in fact a baby’s fart would have sent it tumbling over the edge.
I fucked up.
It was not the fuck up that hurt the worse but His reaction to the fuck up. Our tale is fairly complex…you will have to wait for the Vizionz novel to get all of the details.
The trust that I’d earned….at least in this tiny corner of our relationship I damaged.
The two of us know better than most that trust is difficult to re-establish, most people simply just walk away.
I’ve not given up my RIGHT to walk away…that always remains with me….I’ve given up my desire to walk away. So I have to locate a way to deal with this, and get my ‘freedom’ back.
Some folk do this only in the bedroom.
Others do this only on the weekends.
Others still serve “make believe” Dominants, that are figments of their fertile imaginations.
That is not what happens in this part of town.
There are consequences to my actions and I rarely like them.
That would be why historically I avoid situations where there must be consequences.
I forgot rule number one in my casual attitude towards classes…and I am in a relationship with someone who will never allow me to forget rule number one.
I remember very early on in my relationship with Reginald I was given an order: stop smoking.
You are mine and I do not want you to do it so you will stop.
I never did…..and he never followed up on it. I guess he assumed that I quit cold turkey and didn’t have any side effects.
I never volunteered the information that I was still purchasing Marlboros.
That is the difference though in The Man and Reginald. Reginald’s rule number one was obey: even if it did damage to the property.
Sure there were things that he relaxed his requirements about because at one time he valued me, but when it came time to protect and value me the MOST he chose someone who did not belong to him over his devoted slave.
I guess that there are slaves out there who can ignore that and continue to serve…I am not one of them.
Today I do not fear that happening.
The Man is not perfect, and the universe knows I am as far from perfect as it gets.
But we both agree on the rules, and I do not have to fear the rules will be changed or made up even as we go along.
We can chalk this up to a lesson not on the blackboard…this one was learned ‘out of skool’.