There are tons of little triggers in my life, that if I had not learned how to manage them would leave me useless to the world.
I had one of those triggers recently.
My ex consumed a very large segment of my adult life, and there was a time that I thought, I would never be able to live without him. I was wrong obviously, but the thought was there none the less.
I spent a lot of time over that decade not appreciating what I had, and always trying to have something different. Not someone different, I knew it was him that I wanted, but something different.
He was not blameless, but I have to admit that I spent more time trying to turn our relationship into what I thought I wanted it to be, and not enough time appreciating what it is that I had.
I ask myself sometimes if I have learned that lesson today. It feels like an important one to learn.
I could write for days about what is right with The Man and I, and I suspect I could also write for days about what could be ‘different’ with The Man and I. Not better but different.
It is sometimes a challenge to accept that the universe sent to me the perfect person, and then tossed in all the other extras that she did.
I want to sit her down and say ENOUGH already! And actually I can do that, just not here at Vizionz…I need to be in front of my altar for that.
I can recall the ideas that I had about relationships, that it was all unicorns and glitter all of the time, and that when it wasn’t that meant it was time to pack up and get ghost.
I always have that urge to run, I suspect it is in my DNA. It is a little simpler these days to stand still and stay put.
The trigger came out of no where, and it took me right back to the second break up. It was not as ugly as it would ever get, and it was not as painful as it would ever get, but you could not tell me that then.
The ex would say that he has this habit of acquiring stalkers. I would agree, with the exception that his plethora of exes before me likely were not born unbalanced, but created and molded that way.
You would have to know the ex to understand fully.
The trigger came in a simple sentence from a friend, talking about something unrelated to man woman relations. Then POW! I was right back when She Who Shall Not Be Named, called my home.
I would imagine that many more women out there have had to deal with the occasional phone call from the random female. She was my first, and hopefully my last. I suspect that if you get more than one of those things, you figure out how to deal with them. I didn’t then, and I was the worse for wear because of it.
That phone call set into motion a chain of events that I would alter had I the power, but I do not.
It set me on the path of wondering what was *missing* from my relationship rather than appreciating what I had at that time.
But Nicole? Women are calling your house! What did you REALLY have?!?
I had a man who loved me, and was faithful to me, and appreciated me, and I looked for a man who was dishonest, and careless.
Again, the ex is not blameless, there would be times that he lived up to every terrible name I ever called him, but not THAT time.
I looked and looked for something that didn’t exist, and created a reality that neither of us could live in.
Turns out She Who Shall Not Be Named was lying through her fucking teeth in the hopes that I would exit stage left, and she could offer comfort and condolences.
I did exit stage left, but she had to find her comfort elsewhere.
And that was where the trigger took me, to a place where I could look for something that was not there or I could remain in the now and enjoy what I have.
I mock the actions of women on shows like Single Ladies, but I too am a product of the exact same conditioning that makes going through your partners phone acceptable behavior,
The difference today is that I am able to resist that conditioning and be someone else, someone better.
I rarely speak on many things that I notice, but I notice a lot. The Man notices even better than I do, and in between memory cards we had a conversation. An adult conversation – with adult language – and adult actions and reactions.
At the end of that conversation I said what is often the hardest word for me to say: Yes.
It altered the timeline for some things. ….. for example we had a date set aside in October for a conversation about something we both take seriously, and well that October date is no longer needed since it got resolved at the end of the adult conversation.
I found that my barriers to acceptance and happiness were not resting with Him, nor were they influenced by outside sources, it was all within me.
I was jealous of the “ideal” relationship that I’d invented in my childhood, and not appreciative of the relationship that I had that day.
I envied the girl that I had in my head, running around on her unicorn and playing in her glitter, and not serving as I’d agreed to serve, and being the best me that I could be.
It took me back also to another place, to someone else who held envy in her heart.
I had occasion today to revisit that scenario. My conclusion today is different than my conclusion then, but then I did not have the whole story. Truth be told, I STILL do not have the whole story, but time has fleshed out enough of it, for me to understand the intent.
As I sat at the desk, I paid no attention to the open laptop in front of me, as I worked on the desktop next to it.
He asked me was I curious and I said of course I was! But it was more important to me to not violate our trust than to see who has been sending and receiving private messages.
He told me that he watched the video and was a little surprised that I never looked once.
I told him that I don’t have to look for something – everything that I wanted and needed was right in front of me.
I have faith in what the two of us are building.
More importantly I have faith that the universe will always show me what I NEED to know.
That faith and trust has been rewarded handsomely.
When I stopped trying to make my life into the childhood fairy tale I thought I deserved, I ended up getting something even better.
I wonder if that Nicole of my dreams is now jealous of me.