It’s too early on a Sunday morning to be writing, but it’s also too late in some ways.
As July comes to a close, I can look forward to August and wonder which new lesson is there for me to pick up, retain, and share.
July contained some interesting ones.
The most interesting one I do not know exactly who to give credit to – or send it back since it is not something that I want to keep.
This last week has been filled with short nights due to obligations, and interesting dream patterns.
I have always been a vivid dreamer, now it seems as if I am having a film festival every night. Last night being Tribeca.
I do not fear my dreams as I used to…but I would like to return to a time when I get 4-5 solid uninterrupted hours.
I’ve been thinking about faith, and devotion, and trust.
Part of it is that things have been happening with me that cause me to examine these segments of myself before something can move along.
Devotion is kind of like loyalty, and that is not an issue for me. When the Titanic sinks, there are a few who know I will be right there no matter what. We will be fiddling on the deck, or knocking old women out the way to get to the life boat. Regardless of which one it is they know I will be by their side.
Faith and trust are still works in progress.
If we are the sum total of our life experiences, then faith and trust are really easy to understand how they got twisted in my head.
I still trust more than most though.
I was watching a TV show where the woman went through the man’s cell phone while he was in the shower and it offended me beyond words!
I have a friend who does that and more every time she starts to see someone new. I have never agreed with it, and it bothers me to no end.
If you do not trust in your partner enough not to scroll through their last dialed why on earth would you stay?
I’ve never gone through The Man’s phone. N E V E R. Not even in the fall when things were rocky and it was unclear how that sticky situation would resolve itself.
If I went through the phone and found messages, it would hurt me. If I went through the phone and didn’t find messages, in THAT frame of mind I would convince myself that he erased messages and I would have to go on a deeper digging mission to find the ‘evidence’.
Evidence of what? That I have too much time on my hands?
To go looking for something means that you find it…sometimes though, what you find is a manifestation of your own fears, rather than someone’s real actions.
I’ve learned that like George Michael I have to have faith. That doesn’t mean that on occasion it will not be misplaced, oh it will be.
It also means though that I am finally learning the skill that I should have learned in kindergarten.
For me it starts of quite small, with little things that I am not sure even The Man noticed, and he notices everything.
Over the months though it’s gotten bigger, and this month were some pretty big ones.
He did not let me down though.
Not once, not even when I was being hysterical Nicole.
Because he has not let me down, it’s ok for me to let go of something else.
The WHAT IFS get really loud at times, 38 years of conditioning after all.
Every time though a WHAT IF has reared its ugly head it’s been silenced.
My MLM has a saying: Imagine the Possibilities.
It is still scary…but I am.