I never thought that I would be a parent.
Sure at some point I imagined that I would have the house with the white picket fence and the German Shepard and all of the trappings of the Utopian suburban life society told me I should expect, but I never bought into that concept 100%
It didn’t fit…me.
I first considered sterilization in my mid 20’s. I was enjoying life, and didn’t see where a husband and child would improve on that life so I figured…let’s eliminate one of those possibilities.
My GYN at the time said I won’t do it before you are 30. Clyde took up residence in my uterus when I was 29.
Although the universe had other ideas there was only one person I ever considered as father material for any mythical children I would have. The Ex. I didn’t necessarily want a baby, but I knew that I could have a baby with him.
That never did work out.
When I got pregnant with Clyde I was not in what I called a committed relationship. I think Mario had other ideas but I know where my head was at the time. If there is any logic in my illogical life, I was meant to be pregnant and have Clyde when it occurred.
I am a strong advocate for reproductive choice. I think that female birth control methods are far too expensive, and far too dangerous for some women, and not available enough. I think that a woman has the absolute right to determine if her womb should be used, and if she becomes pregnant she has the right to terminate that pregnancy – WITHOUT HESITATION QUESTION RESTRICTION – up until the point that the fetus could be considered viable outside of her womb.
When Clyde set up shop, I exercised my choice to allow him to stay.
It is a roller coaster for sure, but I do not regret it for a moment. The beauty that he’s brought to my life is more than anything I could ever imagine.
When Clyde was diagnosed with Autism I toyed with the idea of having another child. I thought, well gee I am not immortal, and I am not married, and his biological father is pretty useless so how do I ensure that someone will be around to take care of my angel when I am not here?
That idea never took root though. I’ve not been pregnant since Clyde came along, and I can now no longer get pregnant.
On Monday, I had a tubal ligation. The GYN went into my abdomen, cut out a section of my fallopian tubes burned each end and essentially made me sterile.
I told some of the people I am closest to about this decision, and frankly I was shocked at the response. Almost no one….except The Man…wanted me to have this procedure.
I’m still young they said.
Clyde needs a playmate they said.
Bonnie should have a granddaughter they said.
What if The Man changes his mind and wants children later they said.
The decision to sterilize was multi layered. Yes it will prevent pregnancy, and that is much needed in my neck of the woods these days. Bonnie and Clyde are already too much for me to handle most days, adding an infant to that equation is asking for disaster.
The procedure is also likely to have other health benefits for me as time moves along.
But I am still stunned at the concept that people who care about me think that they know what I need better than I do.
I chose this option as an alternative to others available to me because I take everything seriously.
The idea of having another child seriously, and my future health seriously.
I take going under anesthesia seriously, people have been known to not wake up from it.
I did not make this decision without meditation, thought, and sensibility.
So the backlash about the decision was a bit much for me to handle.
At the end of the day, this is MY body, and I have the right to do with it what I will. It is my uterus and I have the right to not want to use it ever again. It is my family that would suffer if my health got worse, or I added another little person into the equation who needed my constant time and attention, when both Bonnie & Clyde need my constant time and attention.
Something else came out of the surgery though, besides my butterfly stitches and the script for percocet.
I got to see The Man in a different way.
Most people that know who The Man is withhold judgement on our relationship.
Some in the beginning expressed concerns, and while they were quite valid based on the information they had at the time, I did not share those concerns.
Others expressed concerns about the circumstances that led to our coupling. They basically said run Forrest run!
Some still harbor doubts, and were “kind” enough to share those doubts with me in the days leading up to my surgery. Without naming names, you were wrong.
From our early morning conversation, to the ride to the hospital, to all that transpired through the day, to when He brought me home that evening, I saw what I knew to be true, what I had faith in, and you still do not.
I can not make you understand, nor will I try. I will simply look in on these past few weeks and understand something that you do not.
I am cherished and valued. I am needed and desired. I am loved and protected.
What else could I possibly ask for?